(Birmingham, MI -February 5, 2013)… John Richards, a local man who dedicated his entire life to personal health and fitness is now deeply regretting forgoing the illustrious vices of life after being paralyzed from a collision with a bus. Once known for his endless amounts of energy and optimism, Mr. Richards has now become a spiteful asshole hell bent on vengeance.
“I spent my entire life doing the right thing, I never drank alcohol, stayed away from cigarettes and only watched porn on Tuesdays. And what do I have to show for it? A shiny new wheelchair and an unusable penis. If there is a God, which I no longer believe, I’m going to spit in his face once I get to Heaven. Presuming of course that physically handicapped people are actually allowed in.”
Friends of the victim were noticeably distressed when speaking with the media about the incident saying “he really didn’t deserve this tragedy” and “it couldn’t have happened to a better person,” inferring that some people actually deserve to be maimed by enormous automobiles while walking their dogs.
The bus driver who caused the accident was found to be of no fault, after a jury decided “you have to be really stupid to get hit by a giant fucking bus, I mean hello.” The bus company, in an obvious PR attempt, has decided to pay for the medical bills of Mr. Richards as he recovers from the accident, or, recovers as well as you can when your body has been destroyed and no longer works, forever.
Doctors who worked on Mr. Richards immediately following the accident were amazed that he was even alive.
“Quite frankly, I’m amazed that he’s even alive. I mean, have you seen a bus before?I know right? They’re fucking enormous, I can’t imagine how bad it must have hurt to get struck by it, I would hate to be in that guys shoes.Although, now that he’s paralyzed his shoes will probably be in really good condition.”
Richards stated that it’s too late for him to indulge in the type of behavior he would have liked to as a kid growing up, although he didn’t rule out the possibility of picking up a little blow. Mainly, Richards plans to do a lot of porch sitting, most likely telling kids to get the hell off his lawn and speaking under his breath about the black neighbors eroding the property value of the neighborhood.