(San Diego, CA – May 7)… Local parents John and Samantha Bernstein love their son Tucker a whole bunch,even going as far to occasionally use “up to the sky” as a level of measurement. The exemplary parents consistently shower him with admiration and provide everything you could ask for in a loving family.
However, tragedy struck this local family after their eldest son realized he was being treated significantly worse than his younger sibling. Along with jealousy engulfing him as he watched his parents buy the little shit his own car, the real deal breaker was when Tucker realized his little brother Maxwell was actually utilizing this parental advantage to bang more hoes than him.
Tucker, who is now on the fourth consecutive day of giving Maxwell the “silent treatment,” (Or, the cold shoulder for my non-white readers) got into a heated argument with his brother that was loud enough to warrant a call to the police from a neighbor with nothing better to do.
The Bernstein family remained suspiciously calm when speaking to the authorities as well as the media:
“Much like you people; as genuine, loving parents, we care for both our children equally. Honest to God, it’s not even a competition, there’s more than enough love to go around. The argument only escalated because I simply hired someone to feed Maxwell grapes while he does his homework?”
“Although we’re not picking favorites, in all honesty, Tucker just isn’t living up to the standard set by Maxwell, who is pretty much better at everything. Especially sex.”
Parents around the country were quick to weigh in on the controversial parenting episode taking place in California. Many Texan parents were quick to applaud the Bernstein’s, saying Tucker should simply work harder and he could reach the same potential as Maxwell regardless of the system created with the intention of providing social or economic equality.
“I’m not saying HE is better, I’m saying his thoughts, actions and aspirations are better. We still love them as people, we just don’t always like that one as much.”
The Bernstein family is now trying to block out the media attention their family is getting, but, they’ve ensured the public that their parenting practices will not be altered and will continue to passive aggressively urge their son Tucker to change who he is as a human being.
While many areas of the country were vocal about the topic, the most notable commentary, without a doubt, came from families in the city of Detroit who were confused by the entire concept of treating their children well.