You Can Love Red Without Hating Blue

Seemingly since the establishment of civilization, the human race has been comprised of different subsets of the population who are drawn together for a variety of reasons like religion, ethnicity or even in some cases ideology.

While a certain level of agreement on at least one defining principle is inherent within a subset, universal conclusions are nearly impossible. We all go through different experiences and use them to create our own unique perspectives on life so it would be literally impossible to find another person who agrees with your personal perception of “perfection.”

There are very obvious instances of these subsets on full display, political parties are certainly one of the most prevalent ways we group people together. Republicans think this and that about this and that and Democrats feel the exact opposite. That’s how our world is portrayed and a majority of people are fine with accepting this as “the way things are.” Continue reading

Famous Athlete Accused of Crime He’ll Get Away With Anyway

October 28, 2010 — Chicago, IL … Breaking news out of Chicago has shocked the sports community today as a person really famous for their participation in professional athletics was accused of doing something not considered legal.

The superstar athlete, well known for his super stardom in athletics, has already hired a really expensive lawyer that will do his very best to assure the athlete is not held to the same level of responsibility as an average citizen. Continue reading

Rap Legend Dr. Dre Sued For Medical Malpractice

Compton, CA – April 5, 2011 … Rap legend Dr. Dre has been a household name for decades, however the longtime hip-hop producer is making headlines for undesirable reasons, as Dre could be heading “Straight Out of Compton” and into prison. In surprising news, the music icon finds himself in legal trouble thanks to charges stemming from alleged medical malpractice. The plaintiff, fellow Compton resident Steven Wilcox, has leveled serious accusations against Dr. Dre, after his recent attempt at surgery left Wilcox paralyzed from the waist down. Continue reading

After “Going Black,” White Female Announces She Will “Go Back”

March 28, 2011 – Birmingham, MI …U.S racial relations took a major twist early Monday morning, as Rachel Barker, a high school student from Birmingham who had recently “Gone Black,” made the unprecedented decision to “Go Back” to dating white guys. Barker, who has been cited by multiple sources for her impressive “Donk,” did not shy away from the controversy and was eager to explain her stance to the media. Continue reading

Weed and Guns are the Same.

Here in the greatest country in the world (or so we’ve been told) we have a great deal of rights. As ‘mericans, we’re pretty much free to live our lives the way we choose, and possess whatever makes us happy….(Dramatic Pause)…

However!

There are two controversial items with severely passionate groups behind them that receive undeserved stigma.

If you take a look at that good old Bill of Rights, it doesn’t take long to find out the founding fathers wanted you to be strapped, however we still debate this subject every single day. Continue reading

Al Gore Regrets Having Foresight to Create Internet

Burbank, CA – August 22  … A press release distributed to the media today from the office of former Non-President Al Gore included a surprising revelation about the politician and activists personal feelings in regards to his role in  funding the eventual creation of what’s now known was the World Wide Web, or, the internet to people who actually use it.

While Gore didn’t deny that the creation of such an elaborate and useful resource has certainly impacted the world and society as a whole for the rest of eternity, his personal qualms stemmed from the complete and total ass raping he takes in right-wing forums and chat rooms on a daily basis.

“Look, these ass hats wouldn’t even be able to talk if I, Al Gore, wasn’t genius enough to pay smarter people to create the internet.  Without the amount of money and gullibility I was able to provide we might have had to wait like 4 or 5 extra years before someone else inevitably created it.”

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Legendary Pick-Up Game Blamed on Video Games

Brooklyn, NY – May 8th … Beginning on Friday afternoon and lasting into the wee hours of Saturday morning was the single greatest pick up basketball game ever witnessed by human beings; as 10 local men went head to head in a full court free for all of basketball ballsmanship.

“You wouldn’t have believed it unless you saw it with your own eyes. It was absolutely insane! Every one of these guys just came out shooting, and once they began, it was almost like they couldn’t help but shoot. Literally everyone was letting off shots like their live depended on it. You could almost have called it a mass shooting. I’ve never seen anything like it. Like when Mike shot right in Gary’s face, that’s something that will stay with me forever.”

As with any other mass shooting critics were quick to look for a scapegoat and quickly decided on the negative influence of video games. A Senator from some state noted:

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NRA Announces Online Dating Site

As studies continue to show a rapid development in the increase of online dating websites, idealistic communities catering to a specific demographic are becoming more prominent and the trend will look to continue as the internet continues to find even more obscure manners in which to characterize themselves.

Clearly looking to capitalize on the growing market, the National Rifle Association (NRA) announced today that they too will be unveiling their own online dating site aimed at males and females who love guns, freedom and the most perfect amendment in any Constitution, ever. NRA President “Homicide Joe” weighed in on the new website, which will soon be going live at AimYourPistol.com. Continue reading

Local Parents Aren’t Picking Favorites, But, Can’t You Be More Like Your Brother?

San Diego, CA – May 7 …  Local parents John and Samantha Bernstein love their son Tucker a whole bunch,even going as far to occasionally use “up to the sky” as a level of measurement.  The exemplary parents consistently shower him with admiration and provide everything you could ask for in a loving family.

However, tragedy struck this local family after their eldest son realized he was being treated significantly worse than his younger sibling.  Along with jealousy engulfing him as he watched his parents buy the little shit his own car, the real deal breaker was when Tucker realized his little brother Maxwell was actually utilizing this parental advantage to bang more hoes than him. 

Tucker, who is now on the fourth consecutive day of giving Maxwell the “silent treatment,” (Or, the cold shoulder for my non-white readers) got into a heated argument with his brother that was loud enough to warrant a call to the police from a neighbor with nothing better to do.  Continue reading

Local Homosexual Questioning His Decision

San Francisco, CA – April 4, 2011 … In a surprising turn of events, Jim Walker, an unusually well groomed 34-year-old mechanic who’s been living in northern California for the better part of 20 years, recently became fodder for nation wide speculation after publicly questioning his bold decision to have sex with men instead of women. Despite the overwhelming amount of conclusive scientific evidence that appears to completely contradict the feasibility of Walker’s admission, the story quickly became a notable asterisk in the national conversation. Continue reading