Early Tuesday, President Barack Obama made the controversial announcement that this year, Christmas is cancelled. This announcement marks the finality of the movement that has been affectionately known as the “War on Christmas.”
“I’m thrilled we were finally able to destroy this atrocity. Being a Muslim, I don’t see the point of Christmas, nor do I think we should be teaching our children to worship some white man that died like what, a bajillion years ago?” said Obama.
This move will usher in a new type of holiday season, one that involves no carols, gift giving or Nogg of Eggs. The move was commended by groups around the country, particularly the FJA (Fuck Jesus Association) who have been attempting to put a halt to “The Worst Holiday Ever” pretty much since “that little fucker was born.”
However not everyone was thrilled. Popular Fox News Anchor Bill O’Reilly, who popularized the “War on Christmas” term, could not be reached for comment because upon hearing the news, he promptly killed himself.
Retailers were also adamant about their views on the change. H. Lee Scot Jr. CEO of Wal-Mart was quick to weigh in on the subject, “This is a sad, sad day. My family was devastated when they learned that we would now only be making Bi-Annual trips to Cabo. The loss of Christmas is devastating to our company and country, many of our employees had a tear in their eye when we told them “Sorry guys, but this year we won’t be able to demand that you work overtime with no benefits so we can proliferate the bastardization of the birth of Christ.”
The move will be implemented immediately and parents everywhere are being encouraged to explain the change to their children by telling them “Sorry ________ but you were so naughty this year that Santa is dead.”
Kwanzaa will now take Christmas’ place as the major holiday of the year, and the black family that celebrates it couldn’t be happier.
“Christmas just wasn’t politically correct,” explained Mr. Kinte of Queens. “I mean how are all of the non-Christians supposed to celebrate when everything is Christmas this, Jesus that? This is a wonderful move, quite frankly because Christianity sucks.”
The White House Announced that celebrating will now be punishable by crucifixion, because “c’mon who doesn’t love irony.” Furthermore, the word Christmas will now be treated “Voldemort-Style” as the very mention of the former holiday will earn you a citation.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs made a brief statement on the subject asserting that “Christmas was just getting in the way of the other Holidays, I mean when people said Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays, it took away from those holidays. Now that we don’t have to worry about December 25th, we can focus our attention on all of the other holidays, plus we don’t have to buy those stupid trees.”
When asked whether or not this was unfair to the millions of Christians around the country, Gibbs responded “Fuck Em.”
Easter will now take Christmas’ place as “Commercialized Christian Holiday of the Year”, although the FJA is combating that holiday as well, in hopes that it will be replaced by Scientology Founder L. Ron Hubbard’s birthday.