(June 16, 2010 – Detroit, MI)… In perhaps the most surprising decision in recent marketing history, Dove, America’s largest personal care brand, has selected embattled former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick as their new spokesperson. Kilpatrick, who is best known for spitting some dog ass game to these hoes, is a curious choice not only because of his questionable past, but also because he is generally despised by anyone who isn’t a Black Panther or related to him by blood.
Television, print and social media advertising will be incorporated into the new campaign, which features Kilpatrick declaring that “Dove” is the least “droppable” soap available on the market.
“When life gets a little too real, personal hygiene takes a backseat to self defense against unsolicited anal penetration. That’s why homicidal maniacs and pedophilic sex addicts prefer Dove 4 to 1 in a blind test against the next leading brand! With Dove, you don’t have to worry about somebody pillaging your asshole. Unless you get down like that.”
Openly gay City Council President Charles Pugh also weighed in on Dove’s announcement “As hot and bothered as I get envisioning such a muscular, well built man cleansing his body with a smooth and alluring product such as Dove, this is ridiculous.” Pugh later mentioned “Whether it’s in prison or not, gay people deserve equal rights, this is clearly just another example of our society disenfranchising the homosexual community.”
Paul Polman, CEO of Unilever which is the father company of Dove, spoke with a baffled media at a press conference earlier today explaining the seemingly bat shit crazy marketing strategy. “Dove isn’t focused on a specific demographic, we don’t want to limit ourselves to a certain group of people. Who better to appeal to the urban community then the ‘Hip-Hop Mayor?’ The man manipulated millions of people, paid his tabs with taxpayer money, lied under oath to get police officers fired, lied about lying under oath, lied about incriminating text messages that proved his perjury, all while using government resources to bang some bitches brains out and he still has supporters! Cleary this is the unflappable image we want associated with Dove.”
Not everybody was enthusiastic about the idea Jackson prisoner Greg Jones, affectionately known by his prison mates as “Daddy Longstrokes” opposes the campaign “I don’t know if you’ve ever taken somebody’s manhood by force, but it’s much easier when they’re completely bent over. It’s not just about accessibility, but mentally, they are much less likely to defend themselves if they’re struggling to pick something up of the ground.” Longstrokes went on to add “This is going to set ass raping back at least 15 years, almost makes me wanna go back to fucking women.”
Dove’s “Least Droppable Soap” campaign is set to begin in early July. No word was given on how much compensation Kilpatrick will receive for the endorsement, but sources from his camp stated that it will “most likely be like way less then you would think, don’t let the egregiously large mansion or endless luxuries fool you, Mr. Kilpatrick is no different then the countless citizens of Detroit he has single handedly lead into poverty.”