Los Angeles County Sheriff officials were stunned today when they discovered that the prisoner they believed to be actress Lindsay Lohan, was in fact her twin sister from Disney’s “The Parent Trap.” The actresses, who have not seen each other since starring together in the cinematic classic of our time at the age of 11, are unmistakeably identical.
“We realized that something was out of whack when she wasn’t being a giant cunt” said Police Chief Aaron Sanders. “She wasn’t crying, was very respectable, and she lacked the pungent odor of shellfish, so we knew something was wrong.” Los Angeles Detectives are now on the lookout for a “firecrotched whore” who is most likely extremely dangerous to anyone with an ounce of self respect. “We regret this mistake, anytime somebody is falsely imprisoned we feel we have let down the community and abandoned their trust. Especially when the person in question isn’t black.”
Authorities will continue scanning the region for the actress, we’re being liberal with that term, and hope to find her within the first 48 hours, because apparently after that amount of time has passed it’s impossible to solve a crime. Popular LA nightclub Avalon Hollywood has assisted with the search by throwing a week long “Tequila and Vicodin Festival” in hopes it would draw the missing starlet to her natural habitat.
A devastated, and quite bi-curious ex girlfriend, Sam Ronson, spoke with the media about her ex flame (pun intended) “I’m so scared, I have no idea where she is, she hasn’t contacted me, she hasn’t tweeted, she hasn’t been to softball practice, I honestly have no idea what to do. I hope they find her because the girl really needs help, she’s out of control, I mean, she was willing to become a carpet muncher just for the publicity so there’s really no limit to what she’s capable of.”
Lindsay’s father, Micheal Lohan, claimed to be unaware of his daughters whereabouts, but didn’t hesitate for a second to call a press conference and speak with reporters. “Until my other daughters get their shit together and become famous, Lindsay will be the single most important thing in my life, so obviously I’m worried. I don’t know who this other skank (editors note: From past experience Mr. Lohan refers to all women as “skanks”) is but she’s clearly a better actor then Lindsay if she was able to play a convincing role. I will not stop until we find my daughter and I’m able to pose with her for the cover of People, that is my vow to you.”
The mother of the woman who has been mistaken for Lohan said she would be pressing charges against the State for what she refers too as a “Lindsay Lohan” level fuck up. Not only will she sue for false imprisonment, but also defamation of character “It’s bad enough that my daughter has to be exposed to the constant hassle of men assuming they can exchange drugs for sex, but now she has to experience Ms. Lohan’s repercussions? My daughter is a model citizen, she doesn’t do drugs, she doesn’t drink and drive, she doesn’t paint obscenities on her nails, she doesn’t cry like a little bitch and try to blame other people when things go wrong, she doesn’t have any STD’s. I guess at this point the only way she’ll be able to distinguish herself is if she carries a book around with her.