(Garden Grove, CA – September 23, 2010)… A nightmarish prophecy from Evangelical Christians came to fruition early Thursday morning when it was revealed that local pets “Trooper” and “Cookie” were joined in holy matrimony. California, historically progressive with their definition of marriage, made a splash early this year when a judge overturned legislation that prohibited the marriage of homosexuals. Since that ruling, Homosexual couples have flocked to the liberal utopia of southern California, and today, California becomes the first state in the Union to go “doggystyle.” The “must see non-human marriage of the year” was held in front of a fire hydrant and catered by Ms. Wallenstein, an elderly neighbor and avid dog lover who was kind enough to donate a hefty serving of “people food” to the reception.
Garden Grove Chief of Police Joseph Michael Polisar stated that authorities initially planned to put an immediate halt to the event, but declined intervention because “the gays had already ruined marriage anyway.” Adding “If the door has been opened for two men to be wed, why would I prohibit a marriage between two things I actually like?” Fred Phelps, head of Westboro Baptist Church, an organization infamous for the proliferation of their “God Hates Fags” protest signs, was seconds away from a conniption when he spoke with members of the media this afternoon. “I spoke with God today, and let me tell you, he’s pissed. He told me that this union is an abomination and he was going to send Jesus down to take care of things once he was finished taking out the garbage and making his bed.”
Part time Governor and full time symbol of America’s complete disregard for sanity, Arnold Schwarzenegger, was hesitant to voice his take on the controversial topic citing his lack of “political skill” and “general comprehension of the English language.” The Governator (Editor’s Note: Schwarzenegger gained fame for his role in the “The Terminator” and he is now the Governor. It’s a really clever nickname, but you’re probably too stupid to get it) avoided a clear stance during his brief interaction with reporters and his time was cut short because he was obligated to appear at a release party for the Special Edition DVD of his cinematic classic “Jingle All the Way.”
Former 3rd Party Presidential candidate Ron Paul took time away from promoting his agenda of ideas that sound great until you actually have to do them, to comment on what he deemed “exciting news.” “This is a great day for libertarians! Never before has their been such a prolific display of personal freedom. Now that we have allowed two dogs to be legally wed, the possibilities are endless. I can honestly say that today is the first time I’ve ever been truly proud of my country. We are beginning to take our country back people! Back to the original idea of America, back to the overlooked concept of personal freedom!” Upon completion of his 4 hour speech, Paul noted that his delight was so extensive he might just “rush home and enjoy his new found freedom with his cat.”
Joe Butcher, head of Gay People Who Wouldn’t Mind Consummating Their Love With Marriage (GPWWMCTLWM) a non-profit organization that has been in existence since I just made it up a couple of seconds ago, thought the event was “Fan-Freaking-Tastic!” In a statement distributed to the media on exquisite lavender parchment, Butcher said the wedding would usher in a new era for inhumane beings “If you think about it, we’re all God’s creatures, sure He despises my blasphemous lifestyle and listed my entrance into Hell underneath his Facebook events, but He still created everything.”
Prolific animal rights organization PETA was elated with the transpiring events, as described by their exuberant President, Ingrid Newkirk:
“Never before has the fight against Animalism taken such great strides. We will remember this day forever, for today marks the date in which we stood up, looked the naysayers in the eye, and said ‘Hey, we don’t care if you think animals getting married is a nonsensical and egregious breech of logic! We don’t care if you think animals getting married is intellectually and financially detrimental to our society! We don’t care if you think today’s events are a distinct sign of the impending apocalypse. We’re PETA, and we’re going to continue fighting for the rights of creatures who lack the capacity to comprehend colors until the American people have been instilled with our preposterously ludicrous agenda!”
Newkirk later added that today’s events were simply the first step, and that she was even more excited for next week when an 83 year old oak tree would be reciting its vows to the squirrel that lives inside of him.