Dear People Who Waste Their Lives Inventing Awesome Things Only to Be Overlooked By the General Public Who Reap the Benefits of Your Hard Work Without Giving Your Devotion to Creating that Product a Second Thought,
Technology is great in a lot of ways and I really appreciate how hard people work to advance our society, but I still think my favorite invention of all time has got to be Tums. Tums are not only deliciously flavored with natural AND artificial flavors, but they’re also one of the few products on the market that are willing to assist you with your alcoholism. Nothing facilitates binge drinking quite like Tums.
Seriously, if you’ve never popped these bad suckers in mid drank sesh, then you’re missing out on one of the greatest aspects of modern society. Here’s a tip, wait until you’ve reached point in the night where you’ve drank alcohol to the extent that it feels as if you are going to projectile vomit your heart on to the increasingly attractive girl you’ve only recently mustered the courage to approach, and pop in a couple of these chewable magic spheres. Now prepare yourself for a brand new world of uncharted territory. No longer will you have to deal with the stigma of puking on your friends and being labeled as a “bitch” …. or a “fag” …. or a “little cocksucking queef rocket.”
You’ll be a fucking man.
Recently, while simultaneously recuperating myself to the point of social interaction and chewing on my recommended calcium intake for the day, I came across a startling revelation.
Needless to say, I was startled.
After reviewing the revolutionary details of this world renowned product, I noticed something I had previously overlooked, right between “makin’ your dick huge” and “say goodbye to those pesky AIDS,” was a warning that you should avoid the intake of more then 15 TUMS in a single day. That’s not a typo, you’re not going crazy (you may, or may not, be going crazy) they really do feel the need to explain that you probably shouldn’t be eating 15, FIFTEEN Tums in a single day.
First off, who is this warning intended for?
Is there a guy whose been poppin’ 16 Tums a day, pacing back and forth, freaking the fuck out right now? Is he making panicked calls to his friends, family and that one kind of weird kid he wanted to make amends with because he used to beat him up all the time back in high school, until that one time he talked to him and realized that once he got to know him, they had pretty much the same morale’s and life goals and he had wasted a lot of time antagonizing a person who wasn’t really very different from himself?
Nobody is taking 15 Tums in a day, that’s just a ridiculous notion. The only time you would ever need 15 Tums is if you happened to be chasing tequila shots with nacho cheese. (Ironically those are Mexico’s top two exports.)
Furthermore, the only time you would even come in the vicinity of that number is if you were hammered drunk, and if you’ve exhibited the lack of self control to the extent that you are wasted enough to have already eaten 14 Tums, odds are not in favor of you having the wherewithal to pause, compose yourself and say “Hey dude, I should probably get myself together before I overdose on Magnesium and die with my mouth looking like I just gave head to a clown that was made out chalk. ”
It makes sense though, who could have anything bad to say about Tums? What monster would possibly be against a product thats sole focus is to make sure you can ignore your body’s natural warning signs and continue to treat it like a person with terminal cancer. Don’t you want to tell your body to stop being a little bitch and finish that second order or potato skins?
One of the best things about Tums is the fact that they’re mobile, and discreet. You can take these bad boys anywhere and whip em’ out like Popeye’s spinach whenever you need to fight through some chest pains. This is why they should be the official sponsor of alcoholics everywhere, because you can sit there and chew on these bitches like a girl who’s performing her inaugural act of fellatio without anybody realizing how much you’re regretting that fourth keg stand.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning alcoholism, many people in our country have been devastated by people whose lives have been consumed by alcohol, but I can understand the allure of “just one more drink.”
Much like how I’m not a proponent of rape, but can totally relate to the desire to make lemonade out of lemons.
I guess what I’m trying to say, other then Tums are fucking awesome, is that we take things for granted. I can so easily chew a flavored tablet and regain my drinking capabilities like Super Mario eating a mushroom on his quest to save a princess, and yet I never stop to think about the people who actually need Tums to mask the pain they feel while going out of the way to destroy their bodies.
My only hope is that in the future, science will invent something that just so happens to completely cure whatever terrible thing leading to my impending death.
See You Then,