(November 9, 2010 — Washington, DC)… The Gallup Organization released figures today which revealed 78% of the United States population believes the Obama family should be purchasing generic brands at the grocery store to show their sympathy for struggling American families.
Since the report included statistics with cool numbers that can be casually passed off in conversation as genuine facts, its contents were immediately accepted and proliferated by the public without dissent. The Obama family, who are reportedly the least white family to ever reside in the White House, has began to hear an increasing amount of criticism for their outlandish purchases of brand name batteries, cereal that comes in a box and Kleenex.
Data from the Gallup poll conveniently escalates the recent narrative claiming the Obama family is “out of touch” with the needs of the 300 million real Americans whose opinions on political issues are constantly changing to perfectly align with the agenda of whoever is currently speaking. Elitism has been under intense media scrutiny lately, as the nation attempts to rebound from a recession that is already over, or will never end, depending on who you’re listening too. We had the opportunity to speak with a totally average American, who was clearly quite typical, and most likely no different then your friends and family:
“I grew up during the Cold War now, so you know that I’m not with that communism, socialism hibbity-jibbity. I’m all about capitalism and the American Dream, ya hear? I want the government to stay out of my life, let me spend my money the way I want and just leave me alone. But now that this Hussein fella’ has reached a level of prosperity that most likely won’t be obtained by none of my family for generations, I’m going to excessively attack what he does with his own money, no matter how much it directly contradicts everything I claim to stand for. It’s just not right that we got some elitist community organizer in the White House loungin’ around eatin Digiorno and drinkin’ Fiji Water. I’m suffering, so he should at least pander to my needs by pretending that his life sucks as much as mine.”
Sam’s Club CEO Brian Cornell, whose seen sales of his generic Member’s Mark brand sky rocket while the general public aims for frugality, has been a vocal critic of the Obama’s outrageous spending habits. He said the poll was “music to his ears,” as it displayed the ideological difference between Obama and the poor people Cornell would be advantageously citing to strategically sculpt his sympathetic agenda that would just so happen to produce immense financial benefit while simultaneously attacking someone for not utilizing brands he’s never even dreamed of purchasing because he’s the CEO of mother fucking Sam’s Club.
Even more critical of the president’s grocery habits were members of the non-partisan think tank, Fox News.
“Obama is like totally out of touch with standard, average, run of the mill, unexceptional, typical, common, everyday, ordinary Americans” said Sassy Hot Female Correspondent. “The way he’s been acting you’d think that 54% of our country willingly selected him to be the Leader of the Free World. The American people are fed up with this behavior and we’re going to continue our insufferable bitching until we have a president who is dumb, ignorant and drunkenly spews vulgarity around children at sporting events. Now that’s somebody we can relate too!”
Continuing with their coverage, Fox’s Short Bitter Fat Man Correspondent discussed the topic with their Republican Politician Prepping For Election Correspondent and See We’re Not Racist Minority Correspondent. In an amazing turn of events, Fox’s correspondents came to a mutual consensus for the 923rd consecutive hour, a streak that has remained sturdy since Sean Hannity had Alan Colmes raped and murdered.
Gallup owner Jim Clifton explained the intricate polling process that lead to some of the most unprecedented results he’s seen in the extensive history of his organization:
“Gallup is an American institution that has been around for decades and we have no intentions of halting our service to the American people. They deserve to know the pulse of their fellow citizens, they deserve in-depth statistics that can help them manipulate arguments with their intellectually superior co-workers. Without data like this, who’s going to tell them what to think? It’s my personal guarantee that we will continue to bring you polls that represent the views and opinions of the 3,000 people in this country that still have a land line.”
Criticism was particularly rampant from the “Tea Party Express,” a conservative movement made up of citizens who are vehemently opposed to the overreach of big government. While it’s rare for “grassroots” political movements to make an impact, the Tea Party has had no trouble, largely due to their revolutionary method of being created by the heads of a Republican consulting firm that coincidentally happens to be the largest financial beneficiary of a movement centered around “Taking Our Country Back” from people like partisan millionaires who silently fund political action committees masquerading as the voice of the people so weak minded sheep don’t realize they’re nothing more then inconsequential pawns aiding agendas they’re categorically opposed too.
“The Tea Party is focused on the ideals of personal freedom and American Exceptionalism. Since this new big government despises freedom and won’t stop telling us what we should do, we started this movement to express our freedom by telling the government what they should do about not telling us what to do. We once had leaders who valued American Exceptionalism, brave men who proudly touted our self appointed supremacy without feeling obligated to take reality into account. If this elitist president really wants to show the world how exceptional America is, he really needs to stop using his privately earned funds as a way to appear prosperous. The Tea Party wants a leader who won’t tell us what to do with our own hard earned money but will listen to the American people when they tell him what do with his. We want a leader who is willing to swallow their elitist pride by showing the lowest percentile of our population that he’s not better then them, but will blindly proliferate the idea that America other countries, just cuz. We want a leader who won’t extend big government and raise taxes unless its to provide something we want badly enough to compromise our ideals.”
The controversy surrounding the Obama families spending habits became rampant as the day went on, sending the world of social networking into a frenzy. Thousands of unemployed citizens who have no idea why sending out negative tweets about Obama in 15 second intervals hasn’t helped them find a job found time in their busy schedules of not filling out employment applications to blindly support the views of the formerly respected Sarah Palin. Palin, who has become prominent on the popular micro-blogging network for her unique talent of utilizing shorthand to fill her messages with as much ridiculous bullshit, took to her twitter feed:
@SarahPalinUSA: OBUMa fam spends YOUR $ on expsive food lik fallafel? Whre r JOBS!? Wash. nt listning to YOU. We the People must prohibitalize 2gether!
@SarahPalinUSA: Frsted Flakes? Sorry BO, they’re not GREEAAAT 4 TRUE Americans. Founding Fathers rlling in graves. Drk day in grtest cntry on EARTH!
@SarahPalinUSA: China <3’s whn BO buys name brnd. Hey Mr. Prez, how’s that fruity, loopy thingy wrkin out for ya? Vioces of REAL patriots spking CLEAR!
Once prevalent, the engagement of Palin’s twitter feed has seen a dramatic loss after the conservative pundit requested that her followers not ReTweet her messages because it was nothing more then a “Redistribution of Tweets.”
In response to the controversial poll numbers, President Obama took time away from his hectic schedule of doing the exact opposite of what he should be doing, to speak with the American public that he quite frankly, just doesn’t care for. With the eyes and ears of the nation upon him, Obama explained that Americans were far too stupid to look at the big picture and that while his actions might be outrageously terrible for the citizens of his own country, it was a great opportunity to connect with citizens in countless countries around the globe who won’t appreciate them because of an intense hatred of America that’s been embedded in them since birth.