Anonymous Screename Knows What’s Best For the Country

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(December 4, 2010 — Birmingham, AL)… As the political atmosphere becomes increasingly divided, Americans are showing an unprecedented level of skepticism in their political leaders and a distinct lack of trust in the media’s coverage of important issues.  Recent polls conclude that most citizens would gladly punch Barack Obama in the face if given the opportunity, while Congress’ decisions has been met with vocalized disdain usually reserved for reviews of a Michael Bay film.

I want this man's preposterously fictionalized love story to represent the most infamous moment in American history.

The rampant lack of trust, coupled with the omnipresent ignorance of our remedial society, has lead many people to clamor for an alternative political source.  While many prognosticators assumed this role would be quickly filled by an attractive white male with a knack for boisterous political analysis, the vacancy has been surprisingly filled by TruPatriot36, the screename of an anonymous man who has captivated the minds of people who clamor for someone to tell them how they should think.

“This TruPatriot fella’ just knows so much about America” said a former Obama supporter that altered his allegiance after the President failed to magically solve the decade of problems he inherited.  “He doesn’t hesitate to tell you that he’s read the Constitution and understands it more then my local politician, so why wouldn’t I believe him?  I mean, I wasn’t initially convinced that this man understood my situation, but he really proved me wrong when he offered the perfect answer in our discussion about taxes.  He said he was a small business owner and coincidentally every aspect of our conversation applied to his actual life.  Who cares if I have a masters degree from Northwestern in Political Science!?! This man claims to own a small business he didn’t bother describing and doesn’t show up on Google, its not like he isn’t a credible source, you can’t just say you own something when you really don’t.”

A barrage of encouraging comments soon flooded the anonymous mans account after word of mouth produced rampant blind support.  Advocates of the anonymous screename had no problem insinuating that they’ve been supporting TruPatriot since “way before you even heard about him,” and wasted little time encouraging friends, family and complete strangers to pledge their allegiance to the ramblings of someone who may, or may not be one of those guys on “To Catch a Predator.”

"We can talk about taxes, but first, why don't you go ahead and have a seat over there."

While the public doesn’t know anything about the man behind the screename, outside of his sex, a substantial amount of praise has been centered around the versatility of his opinions.  Numerous sources have cited that a significant amount of TruPatriot’s appeal stems from the fact that he encounters politically advantageous situations almost daily.

“It’s amazing how inspiring this man’s life is.  To think that one person could have dealt with so much, is really quite extraordinary and it definitely won me over.  For instance, I always supported affirmative action, but once I heard TruPatriot’s story about not being able to afford Christmas gifts for his children because a less qualified black man, who was probably high or something, stole his promotion, it changed my opinion completely” said Bill Kyle.  “These are trouble times, you can’t just take somebody’s word for it, you have to listen to the people who have first hand experience.  If President Obama had gone through the same adversity he probably wouldn’t have chosen a life dedicated to radical terrorism.”

The movement behind the anonymous prophet continues to gain momentum, specifically with Americans who are fed up partisan punditry.  As opposed to most political commentators, TruPatriot has been decidedly bi-partisan, almost as if his responses intentionally pander to whatever his current audience wants to hear.  While certain politicians have found the anonymous mans opinions to be “ridiculously preposterous nonsense welcomed by groups of people desperately seeking anybody willing to reaffirm their blatant ignorance” and others likened his wave of support to “electing George W. Bush to 13 consecutive terms,” the anonymous mans support did not waver.

Ummmm, no.

Although sources have neglected to provide an explanation as to how a man with so many intricate and diverse experiences can find the time to write such thorough and detailed political analysis that conveniently illustrates his exact stance on extremely controversial topics, every single day,  public reception has remained overwhelmingly upbeat. As the search for the man posting as TruPatriot continues, Americans are positive that his true identity won’t be a tremendous letdown as they realize they’ve been adhering to the recommendations of an unemployed man who only leaves his parents basement to purchase the newest World of Warcraft expansion pack.

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Author: SpencerHayes

Biting Social Commentary and Satire.

4 thoughts on “Anonymous Screename Knows What’s Best For the Country”

  1. Pingback: World Spinner
  2. This page seems to get a large ammount of visitors. How do you advertise it? It offers a nice unique twist on things. I guess having something authentic or substantial to say is the most important thing.

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