(San Diego, CA – January 3, 2011)… As the special effects laden blockbuster motion picture that everyone’s been talking about continues to dominate the market, the film is beginning to receive increasingly pronounced critique. While experienced film critics have claimed the picture relies too heavily on visual presentation, in place of a captivating or well-nuanced plot structure, the film going public’s main criticism has been the fact that the film’s screenplay is not based on a former television show, comic book or popular adolescent toy, but actually an archaic form of entertainment that most historians have referred to as a “book.”
Secretary of the Smithsonian, G. Wayne Clough spoke with a curious media about the once abundant relics, which have all but been replaced by media sound bites and short timely messages from narcissistic opportunists desperately seeking confirmation from their peers, as the prominent form of education and reference.
“I know it’s probably foreign to the kind of people who get their degrees while smoking a marijuana pipe and eating Pringles, but at one point in time you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing someone with a book. They’ve obviously become extremely rare in this day and age, but I think most people would be surprised that some of their favorite movies and TV shows are actually bastardized versions of books that have been intellectually compromised and morphed into remedial piles of human excrement.”
Jake Bower, producer of America’s #1 movie, apologized his movies fans and supporters, claiming that it was not his intention to deceive the general public:
“Look, if I had any idea that my idea was actually some old dudes idea, I would have at least put his name in the credits. I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s dead, right? Of course he is, come on, nobody writes books anymore, he has to be dead. Well, he could be alive, I don’t want to just stand here and say somebody’s dead when they aren’t, I mean, this isn’t twitter. By the way, did you know you can follow our movie on twitter! That’s right, you can get short timely updates from a movie! Doesn’t that sound like it will be a completely irrelevant waste of four mouse clicks? Anyway, we didn’t know this movie was actually completely stolen, but if anybody has a problem they can talk to my lawyer, and if you haven’t noticed the box office numbers, let me tell you, you don’t want to talk to my lawyer.”
Most surprising was the movement of conspiracy theorists who refused to believe such an awesome movie could actually be based on a bunch of paper with words on it:
“Of course people just believe whatever they hear without even thinking about asking baseless questions that conveniently connect dots that probably don’t exist. This is literally the greatest movie of all time, and you’re going to try and tell me that it was actually inspired by the most boring thing ever? Have you ever read a book? They’re filled with information and facts and big words and shit like that. C’mon people, you can’t read an explosion, nobody writes about titties, this is just plain ridiculous!”
Legendary film critic and distant relative of R2-D2, Roger Ebert, reminisced over a simpler time where the entertainment industry was actually based on the presentation of artistic vision instead of a vehicle for flooding the minds of the general public with subliminal marketing and advertising:
“Some of the greatest movies ever were based on literature, and some of the greatest literature in history has been destroyed by a film adaptation. Bleep, Boop, Bleep. This really popular film clearly proves that the movie going public is still willing to see a movie that’s based on a book, as long as they’re completely unaware of the book’s existence and it’s not filled with a bunch of ‘faggy’ monologues that take precious time away from cool explosions and not even close to subtle product placements. The trend I’m really looking forward to is movies based on movies that were based on films. This way the general public is treated to a film that isn’t watered down with intellectually challenging details or beautifully crafted rhetoric.”
George Benjamin, a self proclaimed “Film Fanatic,” spoke with the media about the popular film’s revelation:
“Well I saw this movie a good three or four times already but I can assure you that I won’t be seeing it again in theaters, nor will I be purchasing the Special Edition DVD/Blu-Ray Combo Pack featuring 83 minutes of footage so interesting they didn’t dare include it in the actual film. If I wanted to read a book, then I probably woulda’ gone to college now, huh? Movies and books go together like Jews and basketball, it just aint’ right. I encourage everyone out there to do like me and boycott this film! It’s the only way we can send a message strong message to Hollywood that the American people are fed up with the redistribution of quality that’s currently going on. From now on, the only books that movies should be based on are novelization’s of other movies.”
Border’s, the once prominent bookstore that has been relegated to a single location in rural South Dakota, saw a drastic boost in their market share as American’s clamored to get their hands on the book that inspired a totally kick ass movie that “just HAVE to see.”
While sales of the novel have easily surpassed every other book on the NY Times Bestseller list, retailers have also reported a startling amount of returns, with most people admitting the book was “alright,” but just couldn’t capture the true essence of the movie.