(New York, NY – January 17, 2011)… A somber mood has fallen over the employees at Fox News, as the nation’s leading cable news network is spending the day remembering a group of Patriots that were brutally murdered Sunday evening in Foxborough, MA. Sources close to the Patriots were shocked by the sudden loss and experts around the country were dumbfounded that such a promising group of Patriots could be so easily slaughtered.
Although the investigation is still in its preliminary stages, most of the initial allegations have centered around a Jet, perhaps many Jets, as the culprit for the heinous crimes. Citing their “unparalleled ultra-love” for America, Fox News has decided to dedicate their entire day remembering the group of Patriots, who we lost far too soon.
Gretchen Carlson, who graduated with honors from Oxford University, but still talks about politics like a 5th Grader in their first sex-ed class, expressed her sentiments on the loss of the beloved group of Patriots:
“I’m not too familiar with the history of these particular Patriots, but the microphone in my ear is telling me to be sad, so I can assure you that I’m like really sad America. At Fox News, we know Patriots are good, so it only makes sense that losing them would be bad for America, and what’s bad for America is good for liberals, so the only conclusion I can draw is that liberals brutally murdered the Patriots. I mean, who else but a liberal would go for it on 4 and 13 when you’re in field goal position and it’s only a two possession game?”
“Fox and Friends” wasn’t the only program on the network to focus on the loss of the once promising group of Patriots, while most of the anchors examined the actual events and their cause, resident prophet Glenn Beck treated his audience to an hour long show that delved into the hidden meanings and origins of Sunday’s tragic events.
While Beck admitted that insurmountable visual evidence of the tragedy’s cause was available to anybody with a television set, he encouraged his viewers to dig beneath the surface to find the truth:
“America, it’s so easy to accept what’s presented to you. Trust me, I was once like you, just a regular guy watching TV and accepting whatever nonsense they shoved down my throat. But why? Why do we think that the liberal establishment is actually going to tell us the truth? They say that our valiant Patriots were lost to a group of Jets, but that doesn’t mean they were, it could have very easily been a team or Redskins or Giants. I’m not saying it was, all I’m saying is you should be asking these kind of questions! I’m not afraid to ask the real questions America, I’m not afraid to look fear in the eyes and say ‘Did you really think the Patriots could survive with a 4 foot white guy at running back? That alone should show you that there is a conspiracy going on, and one day, probably when I ‘m off the air, I will be proven right or wrong. But that’s not what’s important America, what’s important is that you connect non existent dots with the intention of posing questions that only garner answers supporting your particular point of view.”
The leader of the fallen group of Patriots was University of Michigan alum and UGGS spokesperoson, Tom Brady. Brady, who recently expressed interest in joining the Army now that he could openly serve after the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” put up a sub-par effort throughout the demise of his fellow Patriots, however his performance is understandable considering how hard it must have been to concentrate knowing he was missing the fashion faux pas on the Golden Globes red carpet.
Surprisingly, the Patriots greatest asset on Sunday was the large bag of weed that had been traded for Wide Receiver Randy Moss earlier this year. While team personal had initially anticipated that the bag of weed wouldn’t be around for an extended duration, it has actually enjoyed a prolonged stay with the Patriots because Randy Moss isn’t there to smoke it.