(Oak Park, MI – February 4, 2011)… Local 7th grade teacher, Ms. Penniweather is receiving a flurry of criticism today, as it was announced late Thursday evening that she was failing one of her students, little Timmy Jenkins, simply because she did not care for the boy and hoped to deter any future success he might have by crippling his middle school experience. Ms. Penniweather, who’s been teaching for 37 years in the Oak Park school district and has never married due in large part to being a completely insufferable “mega” bitch, expressed her sentiments to members of the local media, after she had, had it up to “here” with Timmy’s behavior.
“Generally I like to give everyone a fair shake, heck, sometimes I’ll even grade on a curve so I don’t have to deal with the remedial kids breaking into tears, but there’s just something about that Jenkins boy that really grabs my gipper. What? Why are you looking at me that way?”
After some of the more understanding members of the media, most likely those who have to deal with shitty old people on a regular basis because their grandmother is clinging on for dear life in a nursing home, explained that nobody could understand her “Great Depression Era” jargon, she was allowed to continue her attempts at justifying the stigmatization of an adolescent child.
“It all started when the boys great-grandfather didn’t call me after our wonderful evening at the slave auction. Jebodiah Jenkins was the jumping point, and ever since then I’ve had it out for people of his ilk, I just plain don’t care for them.”
As the buzz of injustice swept the nation, gritty, hard-nosed, take no prisoners, good die young, investigative journalists who weren’t afraid to get their hands dirty took to the streets. Many reporters were interested in getting a pulse of the classroom, however, the tension of the atmosphere was palpable, even from a distance, as it became clear that many children were becoming increasingly skeptical of the school’s faculty. In fact, skepticism was so rampant, students who received bad grades have organized a sit-in, representatives from the mob of students vocalized their disdain:
“We’re tired of the ridiculous oppression that we face on everyday basis. The tree of recess needs to be watered from time to time with the blood teacher’s aides and hall monitors. We are ready and willing to continue this protest throughout the day, in fact, we have no problem excusing ourselves from class until the final bell on Friday. We were going to continue the fight through the weekend, but then we’d need a chaperon, and our parents would have to sign a bunch of forms, and we’re not really dedicated enough to the cause that we’d be willing to miss Craig Swanson’s pool party, because he has like this awesome slide and we’re totally gonna get to see Jenny Randall’s tits in a bikini.”
Combating the flurry of criticism was the Michigan Teacher’s Union, who took time away from doing everything they can to destroy the fabric of America to release a written statement:
“A teacher should be granted a certain right when it comes to teaching HER students. Every failing child will concoct some kind of smear campaign against our teachers to avoid the drunken ass whooping their father inevitably has waiting for them. But as extensive testing has concluded, kids who get bad grades are fucking stupid, so why should we be listening to them, I mean they’re children for Christ sake, they’re only expressing their 1st Amendment rights through protest because it’s the only piece of legislation their even aware of. Ms. Penniweather has been a devoted teacher for nearly four decades, and anybody who knows anything about unions knows that we’re happy to obscure incriminating factual evidence of failing students that vilifies our teachers, as long as they’ve been a teacher for a really long time. We strongly believe in undying loyalty, even if it means completely sacrificing performance and accomplishment.”
An intensive investigation has been launched on the scholastic career of the failing student. Investigators will leave no rock unturned as they document little Timmy’s reading, math, and history scores. In addition to his grades, the ultimate decision of whether or not Ms. Penniweather’s actions are justifies depends a great deal on how much of a dick Timmy has been, whether or not he brings an insufficient amount of snacks for the whole class and how annoying his questions have been on a scale of 0 to Carlos Mencia.