(Boston, MA – February 7, 2011)… Just hours after millions of fans thought they witnessed the Green Bay Packers win the Super Bowl, the NFL made the stunning announcement that it will be rescinding the Lombardi trophy from Green Bay and presenting it to the “best” team, as determined by a new BCS computer system. The much lauded BCS, or Bowl Championship Series, has recently been utilized to figure out which college football team is superior without the nuisance of deciding the outcome on the field.
The BCS has received such an overwhelmingly positive response from NCAA fans nationwide, Roger Goodell and other NFL executives thought it would be a great system to implement in favor of the oft-criticized “playoff” format that basically just wastes a bunch of everybody’s time.
“For years, fans have been clamoring for some kind of change in the NFL. While some might point to our record attendance numbers and staggering revenue as a sign of unparalleled success, extensive research as shown us that every few years we need to fuck with people to keep them interested. In past years we’ve altered defensive rules to encourage more powerful offenses, we’ve made a concerted effort to protect players from serious injury, and we even let black guys play quarterback. Today is one of those monumental turning points in the history of our league. Years from now, generations of fans will be able to pass along memories of the National Football League, and I’m personally dedicated to ensuring those are fond memories, and not like the ones you have about that hot girl you knew in high school who’s waiting tables at that bar and has just totally let herself go. Like, seriously, have you been eating a Cornish game hen, on the hour, since you graduated? I mean, holy shit Vanessa.”
League officials went on to explain that the changes would be effective immediately, and that extensive tests and formulas have concluded there’s no possible way the Green Bay Packers were the best team in the NFL this year, and have been given the #7 rank in the final NFL standings for 2011. Of course, this meant exciting news for New England Patriot fans who were sure the team’s loss to the Jets had ended their chances of winning a championship. As expected, many NFL fans begrudgingly accepted the decision, admitting the Patriots really deserved to catch a break.
Patriots star Tom Brady, who was recently awarded his second NFL MVP award, tweeted that he was “psyched” about the decision, however he was unable to give any live interviews with the media because he was preparing for next season by “taking a whole bunch of snaps.” However, in a string of tweets, Brady did state that if the Patriots were to erect another dynasty, it was going to be really hard, and would probably require a long off season filled with a close group of guys coming together and just pounding each other for a seemingly endless period of time. Pigskin fans who were having trouble deciding how they should feel about the announcement, instinctively turned to ESPN so they could see if any former players were shouting an opinion that sounded good enough to pass off as their own when they talked to their friends who have jobs and are thus, unable to bask in five hour marathons of SportCenter highlights each day.
Luckily, some pretentious douchebag who’s never worked a real day in his life was more then happy to present his opinion as an indisputable fact.
“It’s clear to any true football fan that the New England Patriots totally would have beaten the Packers if it hadn’t been for their loss in the playoffs. In fact, numerous sources around the league have assured me that their team could also, probably, beat the Packers. While the Super Bowl has a had a great run, you get to a point where you realize that heart, determination and raw emotion are dictating the outcome of our games. Furthermore, look at how much emphasis we put on one game, instead of the entire season! We really want to reward a team and call them the best just because they won a single game against one team? What about all of the other NFL teams that didn’t even get to play the Packers and will never get the chance to be champions? That’s just not fair, and outside of requiring the Packers to beat every NFL team in successive order, in a Mortal Kombat kind of setup, there were no other options then to adapt the universally heralded BCS system. Now all those teams complaining about not getting a chance will have to shut up and mindlessly support our totalitarian authority. Anybody can win the Super Bowl, but it takes a truly great team to have a large devoted fan base that appeals to game and league officials because they’ll travel well and garner higher television ratings.”
In related news, Brett Favre has once again decided to come out of retirement, a move that was most likely prompted by the BCS’ inclusion of a rule stating “Any Team With Brett Favre Automatically Plays in the Super Bowl.” While it was initially anticipated that Favre would return to the Minnesota Vikings, the aging gunslinger surprised everyone when he said he would actually be returning to the Packers. Favre said his decision was based solely on his desire to “fuck with Aaron Rodgers.” Never without controversy, Favre also stated that he would only be joining the team if his “shadow” could replace Aaron Rodgers as the backup on the depth chart.
While the reaction to the startling news has been varied, the most overwhelming support came from advertisers, who wasted no time raping and pillaging the integrity of the game while justifying it with a veil of pseudo-tradition. The NFL’s championship game will no longer be called the Super Bowl, instead, corporations will bid for the rights to name the game after the charity of their choice, with an unspecified percentage of the proceeds probably going to the charity if time permits. While many aspects of the change are yet to be determined, league officials are optimistic, with one source going as far to say the new NFL BCS system will “finally create an exciting championship game with buzz” adding that it will definitely be “the Super Bowl of Games that Were Formally Referred to as the Super Bowl.”