March 28, 2011 – Birmingham, MI …U.S racial relations took a major twist early Monday morning, as Rachel Barker, a high school student from Birmingham who had recently “Gone Black,” made the unprecedented decision to “Go Back” to dating white guys. Barker, who has been cited by multiple sources for her impressive “Donk,” did not shy away from the controversy and was eager to explain her stance to the media.
In addition to reporters, Ms. Barker also addressed a group of confused scientists who explained that the only motivation for a decision like this would be a really small vagina, or difficulty dealing with monstrous, almost humorously large cocks. Disputing scientific assessment, a passionate Barker insisted this just wasn’t the case:
“It’s not about the sex, haha, trust me, it’s really, really not about the sex. It honestly, couldn’t be less about the sex. It was really nice for a while, and when it started, I totally understood where the phrase came from, I never planned on going back. It’s just, I don’t smoke blunts, I find Tyler Perry movies to be an embarrassment to all races and I really wasn’t effected by the death of Michael Jackson. Those factors, along with the fact that I think OJ did it and my dads name is Mordecai, really helped me realize I just wasn’t ready to be someone’s Five-Star Bitch.”
Barker wasn’t done there and the media jumped at the opportunity to fill dead air time with a sensationalized story that would have little to no effect on your life. Seeing her 15 minutes quickly evaporating, America’s most famous white girl inevitably milked her media exposure for all it was worth:
“I want to be the wife of a Senator, or a Doctor, and sure that could happen, but it’s much more likely that I’ll end up divorced and taking my kids over to their dad’s house to play with a racially assorted children spawned from his other ‘relationships.’ I’m just not ready to explain why all of my children’s half-brothers and sisters look completely different but still have the exact same amazing hair. Damn, Marcus did have the best fucking hair.”
NAACP Vice President Jamal Jefferson-Jackson released a brief public statement about the “tragedy,” mentioning:
“Barker should have known what she was getting herself into, if you start dating a man of color because they made a boisterous comment about your derrière through the window of a car with 24 inch rims, blasting that new ‘Jeezy,’ then you have to realize one day you’re going to look at his phone and find out he’s been texting pictures of his dick to other women. I blame this ignorant woman for her troubling lack of research.”
Peter Miller, Founder & President of the “It’s Not the Size of the Boat, But The Motion In the Ocean Foundation,” a non-profit organization that encourages a “white” lifestyle, was ecstatic with the results, mentioning today’s events were like: “The exact opposite of voting a black guy into the Oval Office.”
Later in the day, Miller elaborated on the “Major Victory” before having an emotional breakdown about his father not loving him even though he had provided him with the job, house and car he has now.
“It feels good, it feels really good. It’s kinda like being on the playground as a kid, there’s absolutely no reason you should get picked first with so many other guys out there. They’re taller, bigger, faster, they have more stamina, their muscles are more toned and they’re filled with overwhelmingly intimidating confidence, but for some reason, on this day, we were picked, did ya hear that dad? We got picked first for the team, so fuck you!”
Continuing his trend of controversial statements, popular facebook commentator, Lamar “GuapaholicPoloSwagYallAintFuckinWitMeBet” Johnson, Ambassador of Hood Relations, stated:
“I ain’t gonna hate on a dude gettin his. I mean, sometimes you gotta hit somethin and I be gettin it in with some wood ass hoes on the regular. But for real, I’m not trippen over this shit, cuz anybody fuckin with busted down snow bunnies was a bitch-made
nigga(Expletive Deleted to Protect Caucasian Employees) anyway.”
(Editor’s Note: We regret to inform the reader that busted down snow bunnies could not be reached for comment at the time of print.)
As the story began to pick up steam, many reporters initially reached out to Hollywood power couple Seal & Heidi Klum, who are possibly the industries most high profile inter-racial relationship. However many critices denounced this example immediately, explaining Klum’s acceptance of her husband’s mutant appearance was far more groundbreaking than the interracial aspect of the relationship.
Of course no discussion of race would be complete without taking time out of Barack Obama’s day to make him deal with stupid bullshit, irrelevant to the progress and prosperity of America. Obama, who’s recently been more than willing to pander as he clamors for electoral support in the upcoming election, immediately issued an executive order without consulting any experts or utilizing the democratic process he promised to restore. Within the President’s rapidly assembled piece of legislation, Obama mandates every voluptuous white woman in a relationship with a handsome black man be gathered and redistributed to ugly, possibly overweight white men. This would not only be the “fair” and socialist way to do things, Obama explained, but would also cement his legacy as the greatest multi-racial person to ever live.