Friends Won’t Believe Relationship Until It’s On Facebook

(March 29, 2011 – Detroit, MI)… A local man is reaching out to the local community today with hope they will assist him in convincing his  closest friends that he is actually in a relationship with an attractive female. Bingham Farms resident Peter Jefferson, a handsome mid-20’s business type who you would totally bring home to Mom, began dating Jessica Rogers of Troy well over two months ago and things are starting to get serious.

In an unprecedented move, Jefferson assured that he “wasn’t like other guys.”

However,  despite her consistent presence and obvious displays of public affection,  Jefferson’s friends remain skeptical about the relationships validity until it’s properly verified on Facebook.

Early Tuesday, a flurry of reporters spoke with Peter’s longtime friend, Trey Davis,  to see if they could make any headway on the controversial relationship.

“How am I supposed to believe something when I can go on his page right now and see his relationship status is single?  I know Facebook changes their platform every other week, but how difficult is it to change your settings?  I mean, what the fuck dude, if you tell me you’re a Level 85 on Mafia Wars, I’m supposed to just believe you? I can’t just take your word for it, I need proof.”

Mafia Wars: Just When You Thought You’d Mastered Every Form of NOT Losing Your Virginity.

Another close friend of Peter, Jeff Anderson, doesn’t understand the hold up:

“I just don’t get it, why would he not want to expose every detail of his personal life to the world like the rest of us? I know he’s been on Facebook recently because he gave a solid “Maybe” RSVP to the “Guapaholics Entertainment Presents: Club Banger of the Year Part 5 ‘Straight Classy Hoes’ Edition” event, so why not update your relationship status? Doesn’t he want the love and compassion he has for this women to be judged by the single profile picture they’ll see when they click on the link of her name?”

Co-founder, CEO & President of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg, took time away from wiping his ass with $100 bills and having super-models snort cocaine off of his dick to comment on the situation:

“Hey everyone, its me, Mark Zuckerberg, I helped my friends create Facebook and then fucked them over and now I have $4 billion. I’m just a nice Jewish boy from White Plains, NY, you can trust me, come on guys, just type everything about yourself and your friends and family into Facebook. Oh no, don’t ask questions, just do it, I mean what are we going to do with that information anyway? Steal your identity? Come onnnnn, if I was going to do that, would I change the Terms and Conditions of Facebook without telling anybody? Besides, why would I want your identity when I’m Mark fucking Zuckerberg! Maybe that low self-esteem, ‘I have to be friends with everybody’ douche bag Tom would have sunk to that level, but this is Facebook! We’re far too busy facilitating sexual predators and proliferating the demise of personal human interaction to be worried about data mining!”

When reporters inquired as to what the fuck this statement had to do with anything, Zuckerberg declined to elaborate, deciding instead to “Poke” the entire gallery of reporters at the press conference.

It didn’t take long for Mark Zuckerberg to realize that you can’t buy “Swag.”

Peter Jefferson himself released a brief statement to the public via “Faebook Note,” but the clearly inept “Facebooker” neglected to tag anybody in it, so his message went unnoticed to everybody other then that one girl he was talking to like a way long time ago who pretends to despise him but in reality scans every detail of his page on a daily basis.

Jefferson’s alleged girlfriend Jessica Rogers was reached for comment, but she doesn’t have a Facebook, LinkedIn or Twitter page, so there’s actually no real proof that she even exists.

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Author: SpencerHayes

Biting Social Commentary and Satire.

4 thoughts on “Friends Won’t Believe Relationship Until It’s On Facebook”

  1. OMG this really hits home with me!! When I first joined FB, I was CONSTANTLY checking my exes FB status, esp to see if he was in a relationship!! Then I would confront him, badgering him about who he was or wasn't dating, until finally he started changing his relationship status ever day just to mess with my head!! The foolish things we are driven to by a broken heart!

    Like

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