(San Francisco, CA – April 4, 2011)… In a surprising turn of events, Jim Walker, an unusually well groomed 34-year-old mechanic who’s been living in northern California for the better part of 20 years, recently became fodder for nation wide speculation after publicly questioning his bold decision to have sex with men instead of women. Despite the overwhelming amount of conclusive scientific evidence that appears to completely contradict the feasibility of Walker’s admission, the story quickly became a notable asterisk in the national conversation.
On Monday, an emotional Walker, dressed in an absolutely stunning Calvin Klein jacket and an exquisite pair of corduroy, spoke with the media:
“As a young child in today’s society, the isolation and loneliness of the world can lead to questionable decisions. Some kids turn to drugs; others drown their problems with alcohol, my escape just happens to be sexual intercourse with another grown man. Initially I was ecstatic, I mean, what could be cooler then being able to have sex with your friends at any time you want, like, I really thought I’d be pulling mad dick out here. Unfortunately after about 20 years I’ve started reconsidering my decision to become gay. If only I would have had some much older man who knew what was best for me, almost like a priest, who could have acted as some kind of confidential mentor who guided me in the right direction. Sometimes, I lay awake all night thinking about how much Jesus hates me.”
Walker went on to explain the surprising difference between his expectations and reality. In a misguided attempt at optimism, Walker assumed being gay would make him the most popular kid in school. Much to his dismay, many of his peers were not accepting of his decision and tormented him throughout his high school experience.
Despite this terrible treatment, Walker still decided that it was in his best interest to intentionally isolate himself from the other students and eventually the overwhelming majority of the population. Only now does Walker realize how much hardship he could have avoided if he would have chosen to be straight like normal people.
Fred Phelps, leader of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church, who infamously coined the phrase “God Hates Fags,” commended Walker for having the courage to admit who he truly is:
“Homosexuality is an abomination that has no place in a modern society. I’m glad someone else in this country has the courage to stand up and say what we all know to be true, homosexuality is a personal choice made by people who hate themselves and therefore hope to be ridiculed and psychologically tortured until they realize that all of their natural feelings are indeed blasphemous sin. This is a great step towards our goal of exposing every confused gay and convincing them that every one of their instincts is wrong. My vision is that one day every one of these gays will confess their sins and force themselves into an unloving marriage with a woman that will inevitably level irrevocable mental anguish on every person they know to compensate for their horrendous life decision.”
CBS Star, Neil Patrick Harris, who was recently voted “Gay Dude Most Tolerated by Mainstream Society” by Perfect 10 Men magazine, also expressed his fabulous opinion on the surprising news:
“Excuse the double entendre, but this guy clearly has balls of steel. Personally, I’ve never had the courage to admit that my homosexuality was a premeditated decision I devised with the intention of prolonging my career, and I admire anybody who can come to terms with reality. I often look back at that faithful day of reckoning, when I finally decided I was sexually attracted to men, and wonder how different my life could have been had I not willfully reached out to the homosexual community.”
Walker, who is now scheduled to sit down for an exclusive prime-time interview with Oprah, has expressed interest in branching out to the female community. While he admits his general distaste for ass and titties, Walker did note his familiarity with “gay stuff that girls like” as a possible escape from his future life of lies and muffled crying in an isolated room. Numerous experts are now focusing on the possible effects Walker’s decision could have on the social structure of America, with many sources openly speculating about significant alterations in the homosexual community. The most recent numbers even reveal that 10-15% of American homosexuals are now “seriously considering” changing back to being straight, noting the considerable appeal of “not having their life ruined by ignorant bigots” and “pounding asses with considerably less hair.”