Phil Mickelson Reminds Public of How Little Sex He Has

[tweetmeme source=”TheFrogBlogg”] (April 7, 2011 – Augusta, GA)… As the 75th Annual Masters golf tournament, controversial buzz has become rampant on, and off, the links.  Before his afternoon tee time on Thursday, PGA Tour mainstay Phil Mickelson was joined by his publicist, Jimmy Whitlock, as he addressed the media during a press conference outside the Augusta National clubhouse.

"I'd Hit That." - Tiger Woods

While Mickelson did discuss his upcoming goals, the main purpose of the gathering was to announce a new marketing strategy for Mickelson and his personal image.

“Ladies and Gentleman, Golf is a family game, think of the countless fathers who have brought their sons to the links against their will so they can experience the ultimate joy of public humiliation and being pissed off for 5 consecutive hours.  Think of  how many children forced to watch or play golf have come to respect th excitement of watching paint dry.  With that in mind, our new marketing strategy aims to distance my client, Mr. Mickelson, from sex-addicted psychopath Tiger Woods.“

SHHHHHH, Don't talk during his back swing.

As a captivated audience listened in, an enthusiastic Whitlock continued:

“We are here today to remind you of the minuscule amount of sexual intercourse that my client engages in.  Not only is his physical appearance less than desirable, but let’s be honest, his wife has cancer, not a huge turn on. I mean, can you even have sex if you have cancer? I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t be willing to take those chances, especially with this guy.”

While many people were confused as to why this announcement would be made so close to a crucial part of the golf season, that didn’t stop Mickelson from explaining how excited he was for the new campaign. The PGA Tour veteran elaborated on the significance of the campaign,  mentioning it would finally grant an opportunity to showcase the differences between himself and Woods, other than his inferior golf skills:

“I’m sure some of you aren’t as optimistic about the campaign as I am.  I know I’m not as clutch as Mr. Woods, I realize I’m not as young, as black, as good looking, as “cool,” or as successful, but at least I’m loyal to my wife. Who, if you didn’t already know, has fucking cancer.”

Members of the media didn’t hesitate to grill Mickelson on his decision, citing the fact that “Hot bitches are generally not attracted to middle aged, stocky white guys” and that it would be easy to avoid promiscuity when you look like “the Dad from a sitcom.”

Don't Worry Son, You'll Make the Team Next Year.

Surprisingly, the biggest proponent of Mickelson’s decision was the Whore Advocacy Group (WAG) which released a brief statement immediately following the press conference:

“It comes down to a simple fact, does Mr. Mickelson have a substantial amount of money? The answer is obviously yes, which immediately makes his physical appearance irrelevant. Our whores do not aspire to be banged by unattractive men, however, they’ve already had their pride raped and pillaged so it’s not really that big of a deal.  Honestly, I’m sure many of our girls wouldn’t mind taking a break from Mr. Woods tremendous girth, because trust me, his best stroke has nothing to do with golf.”

WAG did however state “it might be more difficult for Mr. Mickelson to pick up women if they didn’t realize he was a professional athlete, considering how seriously unappealing his appearance is.”

"Come on baby, we have so much in common, like tits for instance."

Outsiders were also contacted for an interview. Tiger Woods’ former main bitch, Elin Nordegren, was reached for comment but she was too busy deciding which small island she wanted to purchase with her settlement money. Legendary sports broadcaster Jim Nantz took time away from announcing every sporting event that’s ever taken place, to weigh in on Mickelson’s marketing strategy:

“I think it’s the smart move, the major demographic for golf viewers is middle aged married men, so obviously they can relate to not getting any pusse.”

Fellow PGA Tour member Vijay Singh also spoke with the media, however he remains so bitter over the fact that Tiger stole his position as “#1 Almost Completely Black Golfer” his statement was riddled with far too much vulgarity to be fit for print.

However the two later made amends after Woods presented Singh with this fake trophy.

Mickelson explained that AMG Marketing would handle the campaign, which will include Print, Television and Online spots. AMG said they would be releasing a press release with full details later this week, however they did mention that the campaign would be called the “Phil Mickelson Money Over Bitches World Tour.”

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Author: SpencerHayes

Biting Social Commentary and Satire.

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