(April 8, 2011 – New York, NY)… Breaking news today out of the “Big Apple” as superstar famous guy P.Diddy announced that he would be retiring from the strenuous life of showing up places and promoting himself. The announcement sent shock waves through the community, some declaring it “The worst moment of my entire fucking life” others stating the announcement was “Literally a billion times worse then when Biggie got shot.”
The former rapper, producer and sunglasses model will drop the “Diddy” moniker and for the first time in his life, will now be known by his real (or Government) name, Sean Combs. An emotional Combs took the podium to address the media, behind him were his 200 closest friends and hoes.
“I came into this game in 91’ and I made myself a promise I would think that I would tell you that I wouldn’t stop, I would think I told you that I wouldn’t stop eh eh, eh eh. And I kept that promise, I brought in some of the biggest acts in the 90’s, I pimped far superior artists to ya’ll for years and it was all gravy till they either died, found God, or had to take the blame for me shootin some mothafuckas. I know in the past 10 years the only thing I’ve done is make some of the worst “bands” of all time, but I’m a legend ya’ll, take that, take that, take that.”
Some in the community, particularly Caucasians, remember it slightly different. Manhattan native Richard Smith weighed in on the news:
“Man, I remember being in Junior High and that man was untouchable. Nobody took advantage of other people’s talents better then Puff Daddy, er Diddy. The man really is remearkable at what he does here people! I’m telling you, nobody can pretend your song was his quite like him.”
Younger generations, specifically those 18 and under, had trouble remembering anything Diddy actually did. “Wait, is that the guy in the Black Eye Peas? No? Bad what? Why is he driving a Bentley in a video where he is saying the accumulation of substantial wealth results in the escalation of problems? Wait did he make this beat? Did he write this verse? What the fuck does this guy actually do?”
Combs cited his strenuous work schedule and lack of family time as the reason for his retirement. He did not mention what his future would hold, but he did say his financial stability would be assured due to his unprecedented medical condition of being rich and famous and having money coming out of his “anus.”