(New York, NY – April 22, 2011)… A nation bows it’s collective head today as grim news spread throughout the country. A local man, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation, was taken into custody early Friday morning as numerous reputable eye-witnesses claimed to witness the man committing vehicular homicide. While pretty much tons of people are killed in car accidents on a consistent basis, the news was crippling as it was discovered that the victim was the Easter Bunny, an almost mythical creature who is renowned for providing delicious candy to young children.
The beloved Bunny has achieved such prominence and admiration that he’s somehow remained immune to any accusations of pedophilia, even as it’s been made explicitly clear that he’s a much older male who’s enticing children with delicious treats, usually inside of their very house.
While most people were upset about the troubling events, there was a notable influx of praise surfacing in the religious community, specifically devout Christians who are thrilled to see their most sacred and cherished religion back in the hands of Jesus, after years of witnessing their most heartfelt beliefs bastardized by a fucking cartoon mammal who shits chocolate eggs, something that’s preposterously implausible regardless of how it’s interpreted.
While the anonymous dream ruiner refused to speak with the media, witnesses were eager to share their detailed accounts of the ruthless bunny homicide:
“I was just out here sitten’ on my porch like I always do, and out the corna’ of my eye I see this bunny rabbit just moseying his way down the road. Now, I done seen rabbits, but this little fella’ was special. He was frollicking around, hipping here, hopping there, just tossing candy to children like Ben Roethlisberger at Lego Land. Than, like a bat out of hell, this fellow takes a turn too fast and turns that little bunny into an appetizer platter. We was all like real sad, he just laid there, motionless. At first I tired to comfort the driver and tell em’ it was just a bunny and nobody would even care. Than I realized it was the Easter Bunny and wished my man a quick and painless journey to the afterlife.”
In addition to the religious support garnered by the move, other organizations asserted themselves advantageously. The activist group Tolerating Lactose Intolerance (TPI) was thrilled to hear about the main purveyor of dairy infused poison.
Animal activists, PETA, had mixed feelings about the loss of America’s favorite candy distributing animal. On one hand, they were horrified by the egregious death of a helpless animal, however they cite the tremendous impact this will have on animal labor as a major victory for their admirable, yet misguided and fanatic cause.
President Barack Obama called for a moment of silence on Sunday morning, a move that was heavily criticized by many around the country because it involved him speaking words:
“Barack Obama does not need to be wasting his time on some stupid stuff like this. Why does he care about all of these things I don’t care about, when he should be focusing on my specifically self indulgent interests. As long as he continues to pursue actions and causes he believes are right, instead of the things I know for a fact are way better, I’m going to have a major problem with his views. If this kind of discourse continues, I’m going to seriously consider lying about voting for a third party candidate.”
As a confused nation awaits the identity of the person who will surely become one of the nation’s most infamous criminals, speculation about the Easter Bunny’s replacement became increasingly prevalent. Many think the task could easily be completed by the Tooth Fairy, or Peter Cottontail, but the most popular option was a movement encouraging Santa to man up and save Easter.
While the North Pole said the probability of Santa Clause subsiding Easter was highly unlikely, they did provide a glimmer of hope, stating they haven’t ruled out giving one of the more trustworthy elves a key to the sleigh.