Freedumb of Religion

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Note: This post was originally posted on Aug, 2010, it has been slightly altered and updated.  Please enjoy!

This is a long one, but it’s also the most important blog I’ve ever written. Sorry for making you read something long that isn’t Harry Potter.

In today’s world, it’s a commonly known fact that anybody opposed to anything conservative, is a liberal. Their political viewpoints aren’t liberal, THEY’RE LIBERAL. Even more well known is this fact: liberals hate America. Go ahead, look it up, it’s true! My favorite part about this is the enormous, preposterous level of hypocrisy involved with that notion.

For starters, anyone with above average intelligence (raises hand, cautiously) should know it’s extremely ignorant to take a couple specific issues and than label someone as red or blue.

Not only is this counterproductive, but for the most part, it’s a complete fallacy. American Flags, “Support Our Troops” car magnets and an openly displayed firearm DO NOT make you more “American” or “Patriotic,” they make you a parody.

I speak Americun.

Most people would consider me a liberal, possibly because I have the socialist viewpoint of caring about the well being of my fellow man (Just kidding, I’m just trying to pitch a new reality show to MTV:  “True Life: I’m a Super Rich Person Who Isn’t Looking For a Job Because I’m Living the Fucking Dream on Welfare”) but also because I generally despise the way conservatives go about their tactics.

I want America to prosper, but I also want the leader of America to fail miserably. This is how I actually think.

The reality is, I value the Constitution created by our “Founding Fathers.” What makes me different from other “Patriots,” is I actually value everything in the Constitution, not just the aspects which happen to be politically convenient to my talking points (i.e Illegal Immigration is going to be the downfall of our country, so lets take it out on babies and repeal the 14th Amendment, right? I mean, fuck babies, where do they get off being born in America and shit!).

Look, I know we can’t just let every “illegal” immigrant come and go as they please, but do we have to enforce our laws in a manner so completely devoid of humanity?  Do we have to speak about the subject as if we’re brainstorming ways in which he can quarantine some kind of epidemic?

Furthermore, the ideals of conservatism are explicitly in favor of individual rights, yet they want to strip the rights of newly born American citizens simply because their parents made a bad decision?  Maybe parents who can’t support children shouldn’t have them, if only there were some kind of medical procedure that could properly assist parents in avoiding the birth of a child they’re not ready for?

Just kidding, life starts at conception, even in rapes!

Back to the point I was making about Republicans who think they can amend the Constitution of the United States whenever it doesn’t coincide with their fanatical hate mongering, err, legislative agendas.

Imagine for just a moment that a liberal, hell, let’s make him Jewish, yeah that works, ok, so imagine some super Jew-y liberal puss cake steps into Congress and claims he wants to amend the Constitution because his constituents are literally begging him to enforce a civics test be sufficiently completed before granting a citizen suffrage.

Forgot that extremist idea, ANY idea a liberal proposed that would in any way alter the Constitution would be seen as an attack on America and Benedict Arnold would most likely be morphed into a cartoon graphic and prominently displayed during each overblown theatrical graphic introduction to the story.

Jesus, can't everybody relax? I swear, you betray your American allegiance ONE time and all of the sudden your the face of every treasonous activity throughout history.

Many fuck heads like to proliferate the idea that our country was formed as a “Judeo-Christan Nation.” Allow me to refute, or as Mrs. Palin aka Shakespeare 2 would say, “refudiate” with…

Not my opinion, but FACTS:

George Washington, father of our country and prominent currency model, declined versions of the Constitution that included a “divinely authoritative religion.” Allow me to paint the picture for you: 1700’s Sean Hannity: “Hey George, shouldn’t we base our morale’s and laws on like Jesus and shit? George Washington: “No”

Yes, George Washington specifically avoided any inclusion of a dominant religion when creating the foundation for our country, probably because he’s a liberal pussy!

John Adams believed in “the essential goodness of the creation,” but did not believe that God intervened in the affairs of individuals, and, being a Unitarian, his beliefs excluded the divinity of Christ. He was also quite fond of HBO.

This Summer, Watch HBO's New Series "John Adams," Starring that Guy From That One Movie, and Oh Yeah, Wasn't He In This Movie Too, Yeah, I Guess I Do Actually Like Him, My Immediate Hesitancy About Their Resemblance Was Negated When I Realized I Don't Know What The Fuck John Adams Looks Like Anyway.

Thomas Jefferson, said:

“Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.”

Also, he fucked his slaves.

Anyway, I could go on forever, but you get the point, I mean it should be obvious any favoritism of a particular religion, or the assertion that our country was founded or based on a specific religion, is not only a contradiction of the most important document in history, it’s also the exact opposite of the intentions of our Founding Fathers.

To illustrate this point, I’ll quote something that can’t be taken out of context, perhaps you’ve heard this liberal garbage before:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

God damn, is this the Bill of Rights or the New York Times? An oft-used “cutesy” rebuttal to the argument of Separation of Church and State is the claim that it isn’t in the Constitution.  Typical Conservative propaganda, right? WRONG!  They’re correct, the term Separation of Church and State is never literally inscribed in the Constitution, however, as the aforementioned passage clearly reads, the Founding Fathers were basically saying “We’re not trying to deal with the crazy shit people believe so just keep that shit to yourself.” This isn’t about liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican.  Honestly, all of these labels are irrelevant to me because I judge every single issue on an individual basis, and I refuse to dictate my beliefs based on my personal opinions and biased, opting instead to act as a slave to scientific facts and sociological evidence. Do I think Christians should be able to walk around on the state capital building attempting to convert every person who passes on the street? FUCK NO, that’s a disturbance and it makes people very uncomfortable to the point of infringing their rights. On the other hand, I think people who claim a nativity scene or star of David in front of a government owned building is offensive need to be promptly raped by The Green Mile guy.  Come on, this is just causing a problem because you can,  is anyone really offended by Christians celebrating the birth of a fucking baby?!?! Let alone, a magic baby who knows how to throw a Wine mixer AND fix that creaky step in your stairs!

Irony: In today's society, Jesus' career as a Carpenter would probably require him to apply for welfare, or at the very least an EBT card. This concept will leave a Conservative Christian either crying or threatening your safety.

I bring all of this up because recently the people who claim to be the most fervent supporters of our country and its alleged ideals, would have been cut down in a religious debate quicker then a cherry tree (PRESIDENT JOKE!). Check out this spinning cycle of logic: -Many conservatives are moderately to fanatically religious, coincidentally, they also claim to have a similar bond with the Constitution. -Now that we’ve established their strict and fervent allegiance to the Constitution, let’s remember that many Conservatives want to base our laws around religion, an idea which is directly contradicted  by the first fucking sentence of the document, AND, amend a passage that hasn’t ruined our country in hundreds of years but is now facilitating our impending doom!

This will soon be mandated attire!

So why are petty, trivial, ridiculous issues like this so hotly contested? Well, it gives “Patriots” the rare opportunity to attack terrorists and Mexican immigrants (Don’t worry Canadians, you’re good!) who are obviously planning to enter to the United States and leave their children (That’s the anchor part of “Anchor Babies,” get it?!!? I’m on a boat bitch!) so they can grow up and overthrow our government (Wait, isn’t this the exact plan of the Patriotic good Samaritans who make up the “Tea Party?”).

Don't Forget, Conservatives don't want to use guns for anything but safety and self defense!

What was that noise? Oh, it was probably just your brain exploding (Which isn’t really all that bad because Obamacare made it illegal for health providers to deny you because of preexisting conditions.)

Let’ s take a gander at the recent “Ground Zero Mosque” controversy, or as it’s more commonly known Guantanamo Bay 2: The Sequel. On the outside looking in, this seems like the most insane proposal since Anna Nicole Smith married Stephen Hawking or whoever that old guy was. If your attention span doesn’t allow you to eloquently decipher the facts and reality of a situation, your opinion has probably been shaped by short clips of political ideology. (Media Talking Points: Now With Less Boring Facts!) Why the fuck would we let Al-Queda create a real life Farmville of religious extremists who want to kill your children and rape the domesticated animals living in your home?

Are you angry yet, because I’m pretty fucking close to letting a woman ride in the front seat of my automobile.

Ok, let’s get serious: Referring to the building as the “Ground Zero Mosque” is intentionally misleading. Why? Well, it’s not on top of the former site of the World Trade Center, but 2 blocks away, which in terms of New York real estate is a significant distance. It is also not a Mosque, but a 13 story, $100 million Islamic Community Center. Would you refer to the Jewish Community Center (JCC) as a Synagogue? Almost every YMCA provides a place of worship for Catholics, does that mean it’s a church? Sports arenas feature black guys who provide entertainment, does that make it the Apollo Theater?

Let Me Tell You, These Dudes REAAAAAALLY Love Them Some Church!

Opponents of the community center have created this name because they think the American people are stupid enough to form the entire basis of their arguments based on a name. (Clearly that will never work! I mean look at the Patriot Act, it’s not the most intrusive piece of legislation in our history, granting “Big Brother” more freedom to invade our privacy then ever before. Obviously it was created to help Patriots, duh) Forget about the name, let’s take a first hand look at some of the points being utilized by opponents:

“This is a clearly veiled plot to institutionalize Muslim extremists who want to dance on the graves of Americans.”

If you believe the intention of this community center is to create and/or train a group of warriors who want to destroy America, than you’re a lost cause. However, I would like to point out there are millions of people around the world who are Muslim and could honestly care less about America, let alone consumed with enough hatred in which they’d be willing to devote their lives to its destruction. Muhammad Ali is one of the most heralded athletes in our history, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is the leading scorer in the history of the NBA, Dave Chapelle is one of our generations most hilarious people. All Muslim. Rappers Q Tip, Freeway, Lupe Fiasco, Mos Def, Busta Rhymes and yes, even T-Pain, are also Muslim. (On second thought, exclude the last one, auto-tune was clearly created with the sole intention of destroying America.)

OMG, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT CRAZY MUSLIM DOING WITH FIRE!?!

 “The wounds of 9/11 are too fresh in the minds and lives of the victims and their families! Imagine having to walk by a giant monument to terrorists every day! Ground Zero should be respected as memorial to the people who lost their lives that day”

First of all, if you or a family member were a victim of the 9/11 attacks, I’m assuming you probably think about it everyday. Also, what is more likely to bring back memories of that terrible day? A YMCA where people use towels for more then drying off? OR, A giant fucking hole in the ground where the World Trade Center used to be? Chances are, you’re avoiding that area in the first place.  Unless of course, you’re in the area and have a fondness for titties, in which case you can stop by the New York Doll’s Gentleman’s Club, or the Pussycat Lounge, two strip clubs in the same proximity of Ground Zero which are apparently more acceptable than a place of worship. (Either way, you’re going to see a lot of people on their knees) Furthermore, aren’t the people who care so much about not bringing back painful memories of that day, actually the people who are creating the controversy? I know it’s way too much to expect people to use logic, but this is the most ridiculous part of this entire argument. Let’s get this straight, you people oppose the construction of this building because it will rehash terrible memories, so you’re going to protest by making it the most prominent political issue in the entire country? Nothing says “Don’t think about how horrible 9/11 was”like showing video fucking replays and still images of the airplanes crashing into the building. Thank God you’re here to tell me why I shouldn’t be recalling 9/11 because for a second I almost thought about 9/11! That was a close one.

HEY! YOU BETTER NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT THINKING ABOUT 9/11!

“I won’t be ok with the Mosque until they start building churches in the Middle East!”

Let’s pretend that Christians haven’t traveled to intellectually and financially vulnerable countries so they can teach (force) people to welcome their religious views. Let’s pretend there isn’t a sexual position named after a profession that was created with the sole intention of converting as many people as possible. Let’s pretend we haven’t fucked up the entire Middle Eastern region for decades. What the fuck does this have to do with anything? In sports there is something called “Playing down to your opponent,” which is the idea of superior athletes or teams having  a great deal of trouble with an opponent they should easily defeat because their arrogance or overconfidence has weakened their will to win. This is America, excuse me, THIS IS FUCKING AMERICA!! Last time I checked, we are the Land of the Free. Why should we be worried about what other countries are doing? Are people actually suggesting we defer to other countries? That we shouldn’t do something unless another country does it? What kind of backwards nonsense fucktard logic is this? Potty Train Your Kids By Shitting In Your Pants Until They Learn Better! You think Muslims are a cult of crazy terrorists who shouldn’t be allowed to follow one of the core principles of our nation by building a house of worship, but once those same crazy Muslims build a church, than it ‘s all good?   In conclusion: This is the United States of America. We are, and will continue to be, the greatest country in the world, mostly because of our freedoms. Countless heroes have sacrificed their lives to maintain these freedoms. Think about it, people say shit like that all of the time, too much in fact, but stop and think for a second about the people who have literally altered and/or deterred their future so we can maintain the values of the Constitution and our Founding Fathers. Yet, we have people who want to prohibit American citizens from utilizing these freedoms simply because they don’t like it, or disagree with how it happened. I cannot even begin to say I have any idea what it was like to experience 9/11. I experienced the impact, I witnessed the video footage, but I didn’t live the reality. In no way would I ever want to diminish the pain or sorrow of the victims or their families because the attacks of that day were an atrocity of immeasurable proportions and I pray that we never see anything like it ever again. The people responsible for the planning and execution of these attacks deserve the worst physical, mental and emotional pain that exists on Earth or in the Heavens. I don’t even consider them to be human beings, what they have done to our country makes me physically ill. But those people do not represent a religion of millions of people, the same way people who blow up abortion clinics don’t represent the ideals of Christianity, the same way the events of the Holocaust do not represent every person from Germany, the same way the Ku Klux Klan doesn’t represent the views of Caucasians, the same way Yao Ming doesn’t represent the height of Chinese people.

Muslim Terrorists Attacked America, ALL Muslims Hate America! Yao Ming Is Tall, ALL Chinese People Are Tall!

These are people, led by an Arab-AMERICAN who attended Columbia University, that simply want to practice their religion, just like anybody else in America. They are human beings who simply want to be accepted for who they are, just like anybody else in America. Disputing the location is irrelevant because if you prohibit a religious center because it is in the proximity of something else, you are inferring that the religion is inherently dangerous or evil. Opposing the construction of the Cordoba House is to oppose the Founding Fathers who carefully constructed a document that has stood the test of time, it is to oppose the leaders of your religion or any other religion who simply want to share their beliefs, it is to oppose intellectualism and support ignorance by denying somebody a right because you don’t agree or understand, it is to oppose our soldiers who died for the freedoms we cherish so deeply. If you oppose the construction of this building, then those soldiers died in vein, for nothing, because we are not extending the equality, understanding and compassion we promised to give to everyone upon the formation of this country. Simply put, any opposition of religious freedom, is the opposition of America.

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Author: SpencerHayes

Biting Social Commentary and Satire.

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