Newest Celebrity Diet Craze Turns Out to Be Cocaine

(Beverley Hills, CA – March 18, 2011)…In response to a flurry of high profile celebrity endorsements, the hottest new celebrity diet seems to be rapidly spreading around the country as more and more Americans search for a weight loss plan that doesn’t include exercise or not eating good ass stuff.  As evidenced by early reports, the new diet plan seems to have a staggeringly high success rate, due in part to the fact that the new craze recommends a diet focused on the exclusive ingestion of cocaine.

Guaranteed Results In ONE Easy Step!

While some critics have stated  the “Cocaine Diet” only perpetuates the completely true notion that you need to be skinny and beautiful to find success in life;  advocates of the diet plan have pointed out  your shirt like totally has like seven buttons, man.

In related news, the tobacco industry has seen significant gains since the diet gained nation wide prominence, with profits nearly troubling since last month.  In a unique turn of events, reports are now showing that 73% of cigarette purchases are now made with loose change scrounged up by America’s new, health conscience citizens.

First Lady, Michelle Obama, who’s seen her health initiatives praised from doctors and health enthusiasts and panned by people who are definitely getting back to the gym, starting next week, weighed in on the rapid proliferation of cocaine in the fight against obesity.

“I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I condone anything that will assist America’s fat people who need to be skinny, like me. Every poll I’ve seen shows fat people are miserable losers who will never find love or companionship.  This is why cocaine is the ideal choice for fat slobs around the country, it takes almost no effort and it’s unparalleled versatility allows you to do it alone, with a group of friends, or off of a hooker’s ass.  As a non-elected public figure with no authority, I think it’s pretty obvious that people love and adore me; therefore I’m the perfect person to represent these egregiously invasive regulations of your life. “

Immediately following the First Lady’s statement, conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh took to the airwaves and revealed that he would be starting a 20,000-calorie/day diet out of unsubstantiated spite and his omnipresent infatuation with instigating remedial and ultimately irrelevant disputes intended to rip this country apart for his own financial benefit.

“Look America, this is nothing more then the most radical administration to ever exist imposing their views on the American people.  When are liberals going to realize that we don’t need their help!?!  These radicals actually believe that they know what’s best for you America and I won’t take this anymore, I’m taking a stand against these Orwellian foot soldiers and fighting back.  Sure, we could be environmentally friendly, but global warming is a hoax so that means we should go out of our way to be as destructive as possible.  Obviously we could realize that obesity related deaths are rampant around our country, but then I might be mildly inconvenienced at the movie theater when I can’t put nacho cheese on my popcorn.”

In an uncharacteristic move, the radio host continued his long winded rant:

“THESE are the issues of our generation my fellow patriots, we need to make sure we seek out every supposedly positive liberal initiative and make sure it’s stopped for no reason other then to be able to say we did so.  When the government encourages you to improve your life, what they’re really saying is they want you to conform to what THEY see as ideal.  Not me, I’m not going to walk around looking like a Holocaust victim driving a Prius into the gas chamber!  We have to go to commercial, but I leave you with these words America, do NOT let the liberals trick you into making the world a better place for everyone, you should only think about yourself.”

Amazon.com, the main purveyor of books, the archaic form of entertainment that was popular until people realized how much better pretty much everything is, has reported that cocaine diet books have shot up their sales charts in the past week.  A spokesperson for Amazon also stated that 968 books are set to be released next week, a startling figure that’s due to the unparalleled ability of authors to finish an entire book in a single four hour sitting.

Amazon Kindle: Revolutionizing the Way You Avoid Reading.

In the entertainment industry, multiple celebrities are clamoring for the position of cocaine spokesperson.  In an exclusive interview with one of Hollywood’s most influential producers, he mentioned that the list of possible candidates included: “every person who’s ever been involved in the entertainment industry in any way.”

Advertisements

Author: SpencerHayes

Biting Social Commentary and Satire.

15 thoughts on “Newest Celebrity Diet Craze Turns Out to Be Cocaine”

  1. I merely wanted to thank you yet again for the amazing web-site you have produced here. It can be full of useful tips for those who are really interested in this kind of subject, especially this very post. You’re really all actually sweet plus thoughtful of others and also reading the blog posts is a fantastic delight in my experience. And that of a generous treat! Tom and I are going to have fun making use of your ideas in what we need to do in the near future. Our collection of ideas is a distance long so your tips are going to be put to very good use.

    Like

  2. I have seen a lot of useful points on your web page about computers. However, I’ve the thoughts and opinions that lap tops are still not nearly powerful adequately to be a good selection if you typically do jobs that require plenty of power, such as video editing and enhancing. But for net surfing, microsoft word processing, and majority of other common computer work they are just fine, provided you do not mind the little screen size. Many thanks for sharing your notions.

    Like

  3. Great blog! Do you have any tips and hints for aspiring writers? I’m hoping to start my own blog soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you advise starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many options out there that I’m completely overwhelmed .. Any recommendations? Many thanks!

    Like

  4. Excellent read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing some research on that. And he just bought me lunch since I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thank you for lunch!

    Like

  5. Hi, i think that i noticed you visited my weblog so i came to “go back the choose”.I’m trying to find things to enhance my web site!I suppose its good enough to use a few of your ideas!!

    Like

  6. It’s appropriate time to make some plans for the long run and it is time to be happy. I have learn this post and if I may just I want to recommend you few attention-grabbing issues or tips. Perhaps you can write next articles relating to this article. I want to learn more issues approximately it!

    Like

  7. After examine a few of the weblog posts in your website now, and I really like your approach of blogging. I bookmarked it to my bookmark web site listing and will likely be checking back soon. Pls try my web site as properly and let me know what you think.

    Like

  8. Good post. I learn something more challenging on different blogs everyday. It should all the time be stimulating to learn content from different writers and practice somewhat one thing from their store. I’d desire to make use of some with the content material on my blog whether or not you don’t mind. Natually I’ll offer you a link on your web blog. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  9. Great items from you, man. I’ve remember your stuff previous to and you’re just too wonderful. I really like what you have got here, certainly like what you’re saying and the way in which through which you are saying it. You make it enjoyable and you continue to care for to keep it wise. I can not wait to learn far more from you. That is actually a great site.

    Like

Intelligent Comments Welcomed!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s