(Beverley Hills, CA – March 18, 2011)…In response to a flurry of high profile celebrity endorsements, the hottest new celebrity diet seems to be rapidly spreading around the country as more and more Americans search for a weight loss plan that doesn’t include exercise or not eating good ass stuff. As evidenced by early reports, the new diet plan seems to have a staggeringly high success rate, due in part to the fact that the new craze recommends a diet focused on the exclusive ingestion of cocaine.
While some critics have stated the “Cocaine Diet” only perpetuates the completely true notion that you need to be skinny and beautiful to find success in life; advocates of the diet plan have pointed out your shirt like totally has like seven buttons, man.
In related news, the tobacco industry has seen significant gains since the diet gained nation wide prominence, with profits nearly troubling since last month. In a unique turn of events, reports are now showing that 73% of cigarette purchases are now made with loose change scrounged up by America’s new, health conscience citizens.
First Lady, Michelle Obama, who’s seen her health initiatives praised from doctors and health enthusiasts and panned by people who are definitely getting back to the gym, starting next week, weighed in on the rapid proliferation of cocaine in the fight against obesity.
“I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I condone anything that will assist America’s fat people who need to be skinny, like me. Every poll I’ve seen shows fat people are miserable losers who will never find love or companionship. This is why cocaine is the ideal choice for fat slobs around the country, it takes almost no effort and it’s unparalleled versatility allows you to do it alone, with a group of friends, or off of a hooker’s ass. As a non-elected public figure with no authority, I think it’s pretty obvious that people love and adore me; therefore I’m the perfect person to represent these egregiously invasive regulations of your life. “
Immediately following the First Lady’s statement, conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh took to the airwaves and revealed that he would be starting a 20,000-calorie/day diet out of unsubstantiated spite and his omnipresent infatuation with instigating remedial and ultimately irrelevant disputes intended to rip this country apart for his own financial benefit.
“Look America, this is nothing more then the most radical administration to ever exist imposing their views on the American people. When are liberals going to realize that we don’t need their help!?! These radicals actually believe that they know what’s best for you America and I won’t take this anymore, I’m taking a stand against these Orwellian foot soldiers and fighting back. Sure, we could be environmentally friendly, but global warming is a hoax so that means we should go out of our way to be as destructive as possible. Obviously we could realize that obesity related deaths are rampant around our country, but then I might be mildly inconvenienced at the movie theater when I can’t put nacho cheese on my popcorn.”
In an uncharacteristic move, the radio host continued his long winded rant:
“THESE are the issues of our generation my fellow patriots, we need to make sure we seek out every supposedly positive liberal initiative and make sure it’s stopped for no reason other then to be able to say we did so. When the government encourages you to improve your life, what they’re really saying is they want you to conform to what THEY see as ideal. Not me, I’m not going to walk around looking like a Holocaust victim driving a Prius into the gas chamber! We have to go to commercial, but I leave you with these words America, do NOT let the liberals trick you into making the world a better place for everyone, you should only think about yourself.”
Amazon.com, the main purveyor of books, the archaic form of entertainment that was popular until people realized how much better pretty much everything is, has reported that cocaine diet books have shot up their sales charts in the past week. A spokesperson for Amazon also stated that 968 books are set to be released next week, a startling figure that’s due to the unparalleled ability of authors to finish an entire book in a single four hour sitting.
In the entertainment industry, multiple celebrities are clamoring for the position of cocaine spokesperson. In an exclusive interview with one of Hollywood’s most influential producers, he mentioned that the list of possible candidates included: “every person who’s ever been involved in the entertainment industry in any way.”