(Birmingham, MI – July, 1)… As liberals around the country brace for a weekend of America bashing with a touch passive aggressive cynicism, an intriguing human-interest story has become prevalent in the local community. The city of Birmingham, MI is known for it’s delightful restaurants, entertaining nightlife and a propensity to hosting the kind of people who even substantially pretentious people would refer to as pretentious.
While crime still remains remarkably low in the community, there has been recent controversy as local neighbors are finally coming to terms with the fact that they are simply not as “American” as Allen Park native Bill Tucker, who moved into the neighborhood earlier this month.
Tucker, who wasted no time decking his home with patriotic imagery and subtle references to Jesus, is a registered Independent. However he openly admits this is an outright deception, designed to mask his devotion to destroying “America hating liberals.” Although neighbors initially assumed Mr. Tucker was probably more American than them, it quickly became obvious:
“When he drew the Bill of Rights on his driveway in chalk, it kinda hit me, this guy obviously loves America a lot more then me.”
Said Mrs. Johnson, a resident of the community for the past 15 years.
“I pay my taxes, vote in every election, support small and local businesses, while partaking in as many philanthropic endeavors as possible. But c’mon, have you seen how many flags he has flying? How can I compete with that type of patriotism? I’d go as far to say that Mr. Tucker is more American then anybody else on the block, I hope one day I’ll be able to pursue happiness so vigorously.”
Tucker, who just so happens to work 20 more hours a week then however many hours a week you work, cites his evangelical upbringing as the source of his devotion, claiming:
“Jesus made it pretty clear that he wanted America to be the greatest country in the world. I’m really tired of people claiming our nation wasn’t founded on religion, if that were the case then how come so many religious people love America while Atheist liberals do everything they can to make us fail?”
The support for Mr. Tucker’s expressive form of patriotism has risen so quickly; similar political expressions have suddenly become rampant. A local Democratic think-tank has already begun brainstorming ways in which they can be offended by overt displays of love for America.
“We realize it’s nice to talk about America’s past during the holiday weekend, but as Democrats we feel it’s our duty to remind you that this country was founded on hatred and genocide! We’re not saying it’s the worst place to live, but if the candidate we want loses in the next presidential election were like totally moving to Canada.”
While support from local Republican’s was almost universal, there was some mild skepticism from a few vocal conservatives.
“I love America as much as the next guy, but seriously, how does this man have so much time to enjoy his life? He should be looking for a job, everyone that has any complaints should be getting a job and anyone who has a job should be getting another job. I’m proud of Mr. Tucker for expressing his beliefs, but if we keep telling liberals how great America is, the lazy freewheelers might think we’re just going to do all of the work for them. I can assure you that this won’t be the case. Now stop listening to me and just go get a job!”
Governor Snyder will honor Mr. Tucker in a Monday morning ceremony. The event will feature an award presentation, lunch and a wonderful display of fireworks. Mr. Tucker expressed his gratitude to his fellow patriots, also mentioning he can’t wait to watch the fireworks and imagine all of the dead communists it symbolizes.