[tweetmeme source=”TheFrogBlogg”] I’m not saying everything on the internet is a blatant lie, for instance, what you’re reading right now would be a notable exception. However, it seems as though every petty internet debate, particularly the gems featuring politics, always ends up with someone pulling out:
“The Real World Card.”
If you’ve ever been to a forum, or even the comments section of a blog, you’re familiar with this particular individual. You have them trapped in a corner, your logic has overpowered them like a strapping young man ravishing a poor, weak adolescent girl against her will, your intellectual superiority is front and center for all of your internet brethren to see, everything is going well UNTIL…
They start feeding you bullshit. Below I’ve included a quick guide, so you too can recognize these insecure, pathetic butt-hole mongers. It should be noted, anyone making these types of points is most likely a 27 year old living in their parents basement watching their life drift away while building Lego time machines and photo-shopped Obama birth certificates.
But I digress, here is your Guide to Arguing on the Internet:
When one is engaged in an argument and happens to be making a point against the (Democratic/Republican) viewpoint, you start by saying
“Look, I’m a registered (Insert the Opposing Political Party Here)…BUT… (Insert Viewpoint Contradicting Everything Aforementioned Opposing Political Party Stands For)
When one is engaged in an argument regarding the Military, you start by saying
“I was in (Insert War Here) for (Insert 5+ Years Here) and (Insert Experience You Had Which, Coincidentally, Proves the Exact Point You’re Making Here)
When one is engaged in an argument regarding the Economy you start by saying:
“I’m the Owner/Employee of (Insert Most Important Company in the World Here) and if this economic policy is passed than (Insert Apocalyptic Prediction For the Employees and Families of People at Said Company Here)
When one is engaged in an argument regarding the the Health Care Industry, you start by saying:
“I’m an (Insert Medical Profession So Obscure Nobody Will Even Know How to Look It Up Here) and I can honestly say, if this bill passes (Insert Catastrophic Events Which Have Never Happened in the History of the World Here)
When one is engaged in an argument regarding Racial Relations, you start by saying:
“I’m not racist I (Insert Obscure Connection to Minorities Here) and I even (Insert Story of That One Time You Helped Out That One Guy That Probably Wasn’t White Here) but if this were to become a reality than (Insert Scenario Where Minorities Destroy America Here)
It even works for sports! When one is engaged in an argument regarding A Team You Hate, you start by saying:
“Look, I’m a fan of the (Insert Rival Team Here) and would rather die than see the (Insert Team You Really Support Here) succeed…BUT (Insert Glamorous, Uplifting Opinion of the Team You Supposedly Despise Here)
I could go on, but I don’t want to beat some dead whores, so I leave you with this: When people claim something on the internet, it doesn’t mean you have to believe them, in fact it probably means you shouldn’t.
Now if you’ll please excuse me, I’m an astronaut on the NASA expedition to Mars tomorrow!