Local Rapper Loses Credibility After Drug Charges Are Dropped

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(Chicago, IL – July 22, 2011)…. Hip-Hop artist Keyz has spent much of the last year in a legal struggle after drug distribution charges were leveled against him in early 2010.  The Chicago native, who’s most notable for his Top 40 smash “No, But I Fa’ Real Sell Drugs,” had an almost overnight rise to success as he garnered the admiration of financially stable white kids desperately trying to rebel against their parents.

He Goes to Yale.

Today, a bittersweet atmosphere falls on the city as the rapper copes with the fact that he maintains his freedom, but has most likely ruined his music career by copping a plea like some mark ass trick.   While his friends and family were overjoyed with the news that he wouldn’t be incarcerated, critics and other people with too much time on their hands decided to voice their opinions:

 “I’m not sure I can continue to support such a disingenuous individual.  When I listen to music, I expect a certain level of integrity.  Now that I know Keyz doesn’t actually have to sell drugs to support his family, I’m not sure what’s true.  I mean, what if he doesn’t even smack bitches on the regular?  I just don’t know what to believe anymore.  I feel like I’ve seen the Wizard behind the curtain.”

While many fans were disheartened by Keyz apparent loss of credibility, others were more receptive to the positive outcome. Prominent Chicago attorney, Jeremy Goldensteinsberg, was thrilled with the verdict he was able to garner for his client.

"I Don't Get Paid Until YOU Get Paid!" (Disclaimer: Not Actually True.)

 “It was pretty simple actually, I just told the jurors that anyone delivering a guilty verdict was a flat out racist.  While I knew the white guilt would overwhelm most of them, I was pleasantly surprised at how effective it was on that Latino woman.”

Caucasian parents were possibly most vocal with their enthusiasm, unfortunately for Keyz this lead to the subsequent loss of his “White Teenagers in America” demographic, as kids everywhere were eager to distance themselves from anything condoned by adults.

"We just can't seem to keep little Timmy away from butt naked hoes."

While the popularity of a rapper who doesn’t actually do any of the things he claims remains to be seen, other Hip-Hop MC’s with marketing savvy launched a preemptive strike against possible questions against their character.

“Man, when I heard about Keyz, first thing I did is run out and cop a fucking swimming pool full of Cristal.  Than I shot a couple niggas, fucked some bitches with fat asses and of course smoked a bunch of weed.  I’m real as fuck America, this is me, I promise, just ask my Biographer.”


3 thoughts on “Local Rapper Loses Credibility After Drug Charges Are Dropped”

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