Local Man’s Attempt to “Blame It on the Alcohol,” Ends With Rape Conviction

(Detroit, MI – Nov. 2011)… After weeks of highly volatile testimony and a roller coaster of emotions for all involved, Gary Miles, 28 has been convicted of rape and will now (ironically) be sentenced to decades in prison as he anticipates cruel vigilante justice in the form of asshole pillaging. The story still inflicts troubling memories for many in the community, as a typical night at the club turned into a harsh, disturbing tale of a desperate man who wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Police reports reveal that in early 2011, Tanisha Green was leaving a popular Detroit nightclub alone, after losing her slutty friends, and was approached by Miles in the parking lot. Eyewitness testimony states that Miles inquired if the “Bitch” (Ms. Green) was “Tryin’ to hit the crib, for a movie, or sumpin.” Ms. Green reluctantly entered Mr. Miles’ automobile, and the rest they say, is rape history.

While the allegations initially seemed like your typical cut and dry story of guy meets girl, guy likes girl, guy likes girl for hours against her will. Miles attorney’s presented a controversial form of defense:

“What we have here is a story of two sexually frustrated young adults looking for freedom from their inhibitions. Both Miles and Green were at the club that night, both of the individuals consumed copious amounts of alcohol and both were at the bar well after the time period attractive people have already paired up with their physical peers. By remaining at the bar, Ms. Green was sending a message that a clear message that she had no standards and would happily blow the door man if he told her she was pretty. My client has informed me that under more sober circumstances, he wouldn’t have even hollered at this “chickenhead,” but he was “drunk as hell,” so “why da fuck not?” I think it’s clear as day for any level headed person that this entire scenario was created by two heavily intoxicated people, leaving me to the conclusion that my client should see his innocence, and we should all just blame this on the “al-al-al-al-alcohol.”

After hours of testimony from both the defense and prosecution, tension engulfed the courtroom as loyalties and emotions were brought into play.  Gloria Evans, a fellow student of Ms. Green, was probably just jealous when she provided her testimony to the court:

“Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was asking to be raped.  Let’s be real, if you go to a bar dressed like that and actually speak to guys, you’re pretty much telling them they can have their way with you.  We all know men are sexual beings, I think it’s high time that attractive woman realize they’re susceptible to rape if they walk around being all sexy and stuff.  A plain, respectable woman like myself would never be raped.”

As both sides gave their final statements, the nation was put on hold as they awaited fate Gary Miles.  After literally minutes of deliberation, the jury found the defendant guilty, as fuck.  Miles will now await his sentencing as the nation finds someone else who’s life is so terrible it makes them feel better a bout their own depressing existence.