Latest Polls Show Nobody Actually Takes These Polls

Brand new poll numbers came in early Tuesday morning, as the nation eagerly anticipates the end of what has been a tumultuous and seemingly endless election season. In one poll, Obama had a three point lead over Mitt Romney and a 47% lead over everybody else in the world combined.  However, a completely different poll actually had Romney ahead by seven points.  As the numbers continue to pile up, commentators, analysts and the general public struggle to figure out what the fuck this all even means.

While the Presidential Race was unusually close, there were several more polls showing just how divided our nation is on important topics like guns, drugs and what to do with the gays. However, the most surprising poll numbers of the day had to come from an obscure Gallup poll which showed  nobody in the country is actually providing answers to be used as the data for these endless amounts of polls and they’re more than likely just completely made-up.

Data Source: Fuck You That’s Where.

Controversy swirled as dissenting opinions flew in from across the country, countless Americans explaining that while they had never personally participated in a political poll, they knew like a bunch of people who did all the time. I mean, do you know Suzy over on Maple street?  She’s practically a stripper the way she stays on those polls.  Yeah, I’m sorry, I’ll go stand over there.

The respected political aggregator RealClearPolitics.com has responded to the possibly lethal results by sending out a press release:

We at RCP believe these numbers are preposterous. I mean, just by answering the poll they’re proving they take polls, just because you can’t find anybody who has personally done something doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.  Do you know anybody whose personally been to the moon?  Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.  We have a long standing respect for the Gallup organization, but this requires a complete abandonment of our trust in the mainstream media, something I hope never wavers.

Both candidates felt it was necessary to weigh in on the controversy because God forbid they let anything happen without politicizing it. The Romney campaign stated that they’ve never actually spoken to a live person during their polling and that the Gallup poll seemed like it could be genuine, however, after the Obama campaign expressed their hesitancy about the numbers, Romney fired back by disagreeing even more than President Obama ever could.

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Author: SpencerHayes

Biting Social Commentary and Satire.

3 thoughts on “Latest Polls Show Nobody Actually Takes These Polls”

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