You Can Love Red Without Hating Blue

Seemingly since the establishment of civilization, the human race has been comprised of different subsets of the population who are drawn together for a variety of reasons like religion, ethnicity or even in some cases ideology.

While a certain level of agreement on at least one defining principle is inherent within a subset, universal conclusions are nearly impossible. We all go through different experiences and use them to create our own unique perspectives on life so it would be literally impossible to find another person who agrees with your personal perception of “perfection.”

There are very obvious instances of these subsets on full display, political parties are certainly one of the most prevalent ways we group people together. Republicans think this and that about this and that and Democrats feel the exact opposite. That’s how our world is portrayed and a majority of people are fine with accepting this as “the way things are.” Continue reading “You Can Love Red Without Hating Blue”

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Local Parents Aren’t Picking Favorites, But, Can’t You Be More Like Your Brother?

San Diego, CA – May 7 …  Local parents John and Samantha Bernstein love their son Tucker a whole bunch,even going as far to occasionally use “up to the sky” as a level of measurement.  The exemplary parents consistently shower him with admiration and provide everything you could ask for in a loving family.

However, tragedy struck this local family after their eldest son realized he was being treated significantly worse than his younger sibling.  Along with jealousy engulfing him as he watched his parents buy the little shit his own car, the real deal breaker was when Tucker realized his little brother Maxwell was actually utilizing this parental advantage to bang more hoes than him. 

Tucker, who is now on the fourth consecutive day of giving Maxwell the “silent treatment,” (Or, the cold shoulder for my non-white readers) got into a heated argument with his brother that was loud enough to warrant a call to the police from a neighbor with nothing better to do.  Continue reading “Local Parents Aren’t Picking Favorites, But, Can’t You Be More Like Your Brother?”

Local Man Regrets Healthy Lifestyle After Being Hit By a Bus

Birmingham, MI -February 5, 2013 … John Richards, a local man who dedicated his entire life to personal health and fitness is now deeply regretting forgoing the illustrious vices of life after being paralyzed from a collision with a bus. Once known for his endless amounts of energy and optimism, Mr. Richards has now become a spiteful asshole hell bent on vengeance.

“I spent my entire life doing the right thing, I never drank alcohol, stayed away from cigarettes and only watched porn on Tuesdays.  And what do I have to show for it?  A shiny new wheelchair and an unusable penis.  If there is a God, which I no longer believe, I’m going to spit in his face once I get to Heaven.  Presuming of course that physically handicapped people are actually allowed in.”

The Cable Guy

Watching an R rated film on cable is literally worse than getting an abortion.

I’m serious, what’s the point of watching a film where every single character thrives on sex, drugs,  murder, or hopefully sex….  if every image or sound that propels the film forward and represents the theme is completely negated?

What exactly are we fucking doing here?

If the movie is based on violent mobsters murdering the shit out of men, women and small cute children (Editor’s Note: I’m indifferent to the murdering of ugly children.) how come they’re not allowed to say “Bitch,” or “Fuck,” or “Cock-Sucker” while doing so?

You’re compltely destroying the intent and presentation of the film.  This guy is burying the parents of his girlfriend, who he’s just raped and is now using their blood to fashion himself war paint, but let’s make sure he’s on his P’s and Q’s.

Also, if we INSIST on destroying the integrity of these films, can we at least make sure the person who is dubbing over the profanity is of the same species as the character on screen?  When a white collar business man says “fuck,” I don’t want it to sound like Pedro just ruined his tacos.

How about this?  Don’t play the movies, or, allow parents to let their kids watch what they think is suitable instead of giving us cinematic blue balls. I don’t care if it is edited, if you’re letting your 10 year old watch A Clockwork Orange than you’re a shitty fucking parent anyway.

What the fuck are you even doing up this late Timmy? Go do some goddamn math homework.

Top 50 Frog Facts

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Welcome to the Top 50 Frog Facts, a compilation of some of the most popular ruminations seen in previous Frog Facts posts.  Enjoy.

#50

What happens to people who have long hair, and DO care?

#49

Life would be a lot better if people weren’t incessantly trying to impress and one-up each other. By the way, I have a totally huge cock.

#48

I just saw an ad for a new CD called: Now! That’s What I Call A Depressingly Catchy Reminder of How Far You’ve Come as a Person and How Little We’ve Come as a Society. Not surprisingly, it’s predominately Black Eyed Peas.

#47

There’s an extremely good chance that anybody who says they “Work Hard” and “Play Harder” isn’t doing much of either. Continue reading “Top 50 Frog Facts”