Local Man Regrets Healthy Lifestyle After Being Hit By a Bus

Birmingham, MI -February 5, 2013 … John Richards, a local man who dedicated his entire life to personal health and fitness is now deeply regretting forgoing the illustrious vices of life after being paralyzed from a collision with a bus. Once known for his endless amounts of energy and optimism, Mr. Richards has now become a spiteful asshole hell bent on vengeance.

“I spent my entire life doing the right thing, I never drank alcohol, stayed away from cigarettes and only watched porn on Tuesdays.  And what do I have to show for it?  A shiny new wheelchair and an unusable penis.  If there is a God, which I no longer believe, I’m going to spit in his face once I get to Heaven.  Presuming of course that physically handicapped people are actually allowed in.”

Latest Polls Show Nobody Actually Takes These Polls

Brand new poll numbers came in early Tuesday morning, as the nation eagerly anticipates the end of what has been a tumultuous and seemingly endless election season. In one poll, Obama had a three point lead over Mitt Romney and a 47% lead over everybody else in the world combined.  However, a completely different poll actually had Romney ahead by seven points.  As the numbers continue to pile up, commentators, analysts and the general public struggle to figure out what the fuck this all even means.

While the Presidential Race was unusually close, there were several more polls showing just how divided our nation is on important topics like guns, drugs and what to do with the gays. However, the most surprising poll numbers of the day had to come from an obscure Gallup poll which showed  nobody in the country is actually providing answers to be used as the data for these endless amounts of polls and they’re more than likely just completely made-up. Continue reading “Latest Polls Show Nobody Actually Takes These Polls”

Baseball Champion Crowned: “Cool, I guess” says Nation.

October 29 – Detroit, MI … The San Francisco Giants are the 2012 World Series Champions and the nation couldn’t be more slightly interested. Maybe like a million people tuned in to watch the Giants defeat some other team in a series where people were definitely pitching and hitting a baseball.

“I saw some of Game 3 while clicking through channels and it looked like the same game I always remembered. Yup, baseball, woo.”

Fans every-somewhere couldn’t believe themselves as the Giants won the World Series in a record time of 32 minutes, shattering the previous record of a week and a half. Fans is also a word used for people who don’t have cable and simply put the game on as background noise while finishing puzzles and speaking to their in-laws. Continue reading “Baseball Champion Crowned: “Cool, I guess” says Nation.”

Barack Obama to Attend Second Debate

(October 9 – Washington, DC)… The political world was abuzz early Tuesday morning when it was announced by the White House that President Barack Hussein Obama will be in attendance for the second Presidential debate next week at Hofstra University.

Continue reading “Barack Obama to Attend Second Debate”