Legendary Pick-Up Game Blamed on Video Games

Brooklyn, NY – May 8th … Beginning on Friday afternoon and lasting into the wee hours of Saturday morning was the single greatest pick up basketball game ever witnessed by human beings; as 10 local men went head to head in a full court free for all of basketball ballsmanship.

“You wouldn’t have believed it unless you saw it with your own eyes. It was absolutely insane! Every one of these guys just came out shooting, and once they began, it was almost like they couldn’t help but shoot. Literally everyone was letting off shots like their live depended on it. You could almost have called it a mass shooting. I’ve never seen anything like it. Like when Mike shot right in Gary’s face, that’s something that will stay with me forever.”

As with any other mass shooting critics were quick to look for a scapegoat and quickly decided on the negative influence of video games. A Senator from some state noted:

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Local Waiter Really Needs LeBron to Place His Order

John Bridges, a waiter at the Blue Pointe Grill in Cleveland, cannot continue to wait for LeBron James to place his dinner order. Bridges, who has been with the restaurant for over 3 years has, “like 6 other tables” and would really love it if James could just “make a fucking a decision already, the menu hasn’t changed in the past 2 months, he knew what he was dealing with and at this point it’s just getting kind of embarrassing for him.

James, who has been a basketball sensation since High School, explained the hold up “I know what I want, it’s just, I’m having a really hard time doing it by myself. I thought, hey, how hard could it be, I can order a perfectly tasty dinner alone, plenty of people have done it before me, why can’t I?” The optimistic James quickly fell back into reality when he realized that it was “a lot harder then it looks” and “it would be a lot easier if I had some of the right people helping me.”

Dan Gilbert, who coincidentally owns every single business in the dying city of Cleveland, can’t believe that James is going to behave in such a way. “What is this guys problem? I’ve purchased the best ingredients, hired a great staff, made the menu readily accessible to avid and casual diners a like. What the fuck else can I do for this guy?” Gilbert personally visited James’ table on several occasions but could not get him to commit to a particular dish. “It would be one thing if he just came out and said ‘Look Dan, I’m not going to order what you’ve suggested, we’ve had some great meals in the past, but I just can’t see eye to eye with you on the Ahi Tuna’ but noooo, he’s going to wait until I walk away and place his fucking order behind my back.”

An increasingly livid Gilbert went on to say “I PERSONALLY GURANTEE THAT EVERY OTHER TABLE IN THE RESTAURANT WILL ORDER THEIR ENTREES BEFORE THE SELF PROCLAIMED ‘KING’ EVEN ORDERS AN APPETIZER”

Laker fans felt the need to give their two cents on LeBron’s dinner “Decision,” although it has nothing to do with their immense fear that LeBron will one day order a better meal then Kobe. “Hey Queen James! Haha see what I did there? Its funny because it’s the female version of his nickname and being effeminate is totally gay! How about you order the filet mingon, does that have a nice ring to it? Haha see what I did there? He’s never won a ring so I made a pun about the fact that he doesn’t have a ring! Did you guys know Kobe has like a bunch of rings?”

Ironically, Lakers guard Derek Fisher was also at the same restaurant, however he did not cross paths with James because he came in roughly 3 hours earlier to take advantage of the Senior Discount. Fisher was however joined by the Reverend Jesse Jackson who ordered his usual meal of Watermelon battered Fried Chicken with a side of Collard Greens, Chitlins, Grape Kool-Aid and Grits mixed with Colt 45.

At press time, James was still yet to make a decision on his dinner, however it’s pretty much set in stone that whatever he chooses, will be the wrong choice.

Phoenix Suns Star Steve Nash Has Been Deported

(April, 29, 2010 – Phoenix, AZ)… The new Arizona immigration law is causing more controversy today as it was announced earlier today by the Illegal Immigration Prevention & Apprehension Co-op Team (IIMPACT) that Phoenix Suns star and 2-time NBA MVP Steve Nash, who hails from Canada, was to be immediately deported.

The new law has sent shock waves throughout the Arizona community and the country, for its potentially controversial enforcement. Mark Spencer, president of the Phoenix Law Enforcement Association, which represents Phoenix police officers, doesn’t see the problem “I support the measure because it would give local authorities the ability to better enforce the law. People are worried that “racial profiling” will increase with the bill in place; I think the “whiteness” of today’s deportee will silence those critics. As my professionally trained officers have assured me, and pretty much anyone can tell just by looking at him, Steve Nash is not, in any way, brown.”

However Spencer wasn’t done there, he went on to proclaim “Today we have proven the Hispanic community wrong. They were all “Loco” about what this law meant to them, they were worried that our state legislators had willingly and knowingly supported a bill that would not only institutionalize, but also encourage racism. Today we proudly ask “Those People,” would a bunch of racist people deport a white guy? That just doesn’t make sense.“

Hispanic groups around the country were outraged by the fact that they could not be outraged. One of the main opponents of the bill, Pablo Sanchez Rodriguez a part time babysitter, pool boy and landscaper, commented on the “Catch-22” “Trust me, there is nothing we would rather do then protest this decision, we want to fight the prejudice being implemented into our laws, we want to fight for equality, we want all of that. But, the guy is white for fucks sake, what are we supposed to do? It’s common knowledge that you’re only allowed to combat racism if its against your own race”

An obviously shaken Rodriquez went on to add “I’m not missing 20 cent Taco Wednesdays to fight for the rights of some Canadian guy. Quite frankly, I’m surprised that we’ve spoken for so long and not once mentioned Taco’s until now”

Caucasian fans of Suns basketball were “flabbergasted” at the decision, which would strip their claim of being the only NBA Franchise whose best player was white. Billy Hicks, who has owned season tickets since the Suns “lightened up” their roster with Nash, could only describe his frustration in one way “I’m flabbergasted.”

NBA Commissioner David Stern was also critical of the controversial decision. “Seriously guys? There’s one star player in the league who I don’t have to worry about showing up in the news for “capping” someone’s ass, smoking marijuana, or “drama” stemming from an outlandish “Baby Momma” and you’re going to take him away from me?” Stern was nearly in tears as he added “We can pretty much say goodbye to the ratings we were getting in Iowa and North Dakota. I’m not even pissed about the racial implications, I’m really just angry that I have to talk to Brian Cardinal again. Thanks fuckers.”

Republican Senator Russell Pearce, author of the controversial bill, was unable to defend his masterwork because he could not be reached for comment. Early reports are that Pearce actually has to raise his own children now that his “Live In Nanny” Guadalupe was forced to resign due to deportation.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper released a statement regarding the situation, however it was essentially ignored by the American media because they had no idea who the fuck he was, and were instead opting to wait for the “President of Canada” to issue a statement.

The Sasquatchian Ice Fishermen, Nash’s new Canadian basketball team, were obviously supportive of the decision. “With Nash on our squad, basketball in Canada is going to reach a new level!” exclaimed Jim Jimerson, GM of the Ice Fishermen. “We expect attendance to soar! We’ve already mailed out season ticket packages to Canada’s 14 African American residents, and we can only assume that they’re basketball fans.”

When members of the media inquired as to how Mr. Nash fit the “reasonably suspicious” description required by the law to arrest an illegal alien, Arizona police made their stance clear “He’s a little tiny white man who dominates giant black athletes. Explain to me how that could possibly be legal.”