The 5 Stages of Twitter

[tweetmeme source=”TheFrogBlogg”]

Stage One: Denial

"What is this bullshit!?"

This is stupid; Twitter isn’t anything more than a glorified facebook status. Why on Earth would I spend my whole day writing about all the things I’m doing? What is this a narcissistic paradise?

Nobody cares about you; nobody cares about what you’re doing. I already have four other social networking sites to keep track of my friends and hot people I plan on having sex with, or at the very least masturbating too.

Why would I need to know every single thing they do throughout the day? This is going to be dead within a couple of months. I’d rather have a goddamn MySpace.

Fuck Twitter, I’m never joining.

Stage Two: Hesitation

Is this really a good idea?

Well, I made a Twitter for my job, but it was only because my boss said everybody is doing it and it’s a good way to connect to the business world. 

God, he’s such an asshole.

I’m definitely not into this, what a giant waste of time, Twitter is just old people talking about boring shit and celebrities making me realize how inferior my life is. I mean, it’s not so bad, maybe I’ll get an account, you know, just to see what all the fuss is about, a lot of my friends are on here, and I do have heterosexual man love for Justin Bieber.

Ok, I’ll make an account, but I’m certainly not going to be one of those people who tweets about their every thought. That’s retarded, as if anybody cares. Wait, did I just say the word tweets?

Stage Three: Confusion

"Our You Going to Follow Me Back?"

How do I write on somebody’s wall? Why is everybody putting the # sign before everything? How am I supposed to say something funny, clever or intelligent in 140 characters? How do I find my friends? What’s a TwitPic? How long until my name is a Trending Topic? How can something lacking any nudity be so popular? Why does an actor from horrible films and a relatively popular sitcom based on the 1970’s have more followers than the President of the United States? When is MY account going to be verified? Why is everybody watching the same event or show and tweeting about the same details and scenarios that I’m already watching and tweeting about? Can I really get 1,000 followers in 10 days by clicking on this link? How am I supposed to coerce somebody to have sex with me when everybody can see what I’m saying?  How can I be sure this Asian fellow is really  going to follow me back?

Stage Four: Adoption

@AngieJolie Is Now Following @FreeAfricanBabies

Well, looks like I’m in this one for the long haul so I might as well personalize my account.

Best photo ever taken of me in my entire life to set as my background? Check.

Second best photo I’ve ever taken that’s from the one angle I don’t look like a hideous beast to use as my 7X10 avatar? Check.

Clever username incorporating my name into a cringe-worthy pun? Check.

Following every person on Twitter with the last name Kardashian? Check.

TwitPics of anything and everything that might make people think I’m cool? Check.

Tell my Facebook friends that I have a twitter and they should, like, totally follow me? Check.

Protected my tweets even though I’m not important or relevant to the world in any way? Check.

Send tweets about how much better Twitter is then Facebook, even though I still check for notifications religiously? Check.

ReTweet every @ reply that says something positive about me? Check.

Stage Five: Obsession

"You guys won't be laughing when I bang your Mom."

10:15a.m – Good Morning Twitter, time to start my day.
10:16a.m – OMG, so hungry, and hung over lolz I wonder what I have to eat fro breakfast.
10:17a.m – #CaptainCrunch is the #Best! #TeamCereal.
10:18a.m – What should I wear today? I don’t want to look like a slut, but I still want strangers to casually offer sex to me.
10:18a.m – BRB, getting dressed.
10:22a.m – Ok, I’m back twitter, did ya miss me? Look how totally fine I look 🙂 ❤ http://TwitPic/Can’tQuiteSeeMyVaginaSkirt.

10:23a.m – I wanna change my twitter name to something that represents me better.
10:25a.m – @5StarBitch changed display name to @BarbieQueen1017.
10:30a.m – Just hit my main chick @GoldDiggerrr and we bouta hit up the mall!
10:33a.m – On my way to the mall!
10:37a.m – Listening to Justin Bieber always makes the trip to the mall better 🙂 #TeamJustin
10:38a.m – Still Driving to the mall.
10:41a.m – Almost AT THE MALL!!!!!!111!!!
10:42a.m – We’d already be at the mall if it wasn’t for traffic.
10:42a.m – Doesn’t traffic suck? I hate #Traffic!
10:43a.m – Ok, almost at the mall.
10:44a.m – We stopped to get some food on the way to the mall I love #McDonalds!
10:46a.m – We’re at the mall!
10:50a.m – Totally just got offered a job at ‘Crombie, as if! Barbie bitches don’t work! But I still got my own.
10:52a.m – Hey Tweeps check out this hawt new bathing suit that I’m trying on and taking a photo of but not buying! http://TwitPic/ThisGirlIsUnder18MeaningClickingOnThisLinkIsAFederaOffense.

11:50a.m – About to leave the mall.
11:52a.m – Just left the mall, looking for my car.
11:55a.m – This is horrible guys! I really can’t find my car!
11:56a.m – Like seriously, why do they make the mall parking lot so big? As if anyone can ever find their car! lolz
11:57a.m – Found my car.
12:03p.m – Don’t you just hate bitches at the mall that think they’re the shit? So #Wack!
12:10p.m – I literally have the best friends on Earth! Like seriously, you’re friends are nothing compared to mine. Mine are so the best!

12:13p.m – It must suck having shitty friends! Lolz luckily mine are the best ever!
12:15p.m – For realz, best friends for lifeee!!!! Right @GoldDiggerrr @SheGotaDonk @BieberFever12345 @IFuckOnTheFirstDate?!!?
12:17p.m – So my friend just told me she can’t come to Jersey Shore watch party, people are so selfish.
12:20p.m – I fucking HATE stupid fake bitches! Like for real, you’re my friend, friends don’t ditch friends.
12:23p.m – Seriously, fuck my life, why do bad things only happen to me. None of you have any idea.
12:34p.m – LOLZ LUV this song! #NowPlaying – Any song by Ke$ha
12:37p.m – Now my friend said she can come to my party, like I even care, totes over it.
12:42p.m – Just saw totally the hottest guy ever! Except for my husband @ChanningTatum of course! Lolz love you boo 😉
12:42p.m – OMG he totally looked at me!!! I’m like seriously freaking out right now! So hot.
12:44p.m – So he didn’t even come and talk to me. He’s probably gay lolz fuck guys! So over guys, like what’s even their purpose!
12:47p.m – Yessss, Brian just texted me and said he’s sorry for fucking my sister and wants to get back together #FTW #TrueLove
12:52p.m – Brian’s a fucking jerk. All guys are the same!
12:54p.m – Twitter is lame, they need to make a new twitter, this is just getting old.
12:57p.m – Awwww, Brian just sent me a picture of a teddy bear holding a heart saying it reminds him of me http://TwitPic/BriansLastDitchAttemptToGetSomePoon

1:00p.m – Why is my mom such a bitch? Your old, stay out of my life, you’ll never understand what I go through! EVER!
1:13p.m – Orbit gum is like seriously the shit!!!
1:17p.m – So mad. Don’t call or Text.
1:18p.m – Seriously furious, nobody call my phone or text my phone. I want to be alone.
1:20p.m – Nobody understands me, so angry, no way anybody would be able to get how angry I am. If you call or text I’ll respond but I’m so mad so just don’t!

1:23p.m – If you were planning on texting or calling me today, DON’T, so done.  Phone is OFF.
1:24p.m – I want a puppy lolz
1:27p.m – Ewwww bugs are so gross, like why do they even exist? Ewww so #Gross
1:32p.m – Has anyone seen Sex in the City 2?
1:32p.m – I heard it was good.

1:33p.m – I heard it was good, but not as good as the first.
1:34p.m – I really looooved the first one so I’m sure the second one could never replace it.
1:35p.m – I reaaaaalllly wanna see Sex and the City 2 though lolz
1:37p.m – Maybe Brian will take me to see the movie! Awww that would be so cute. Brian is so cute, I love him. #Brian4Ever
1:39p.m – As if Brian would actually take me. He’s such a selfish jerk. He only cares about himself.
1:41p.m – Like seriously how long does it take to write essays for a scholarship to Harvard? So over it.
1:44p.m – What’s your favorite Candy? Mine is Reeces Pieces or Shock Tarts!
1:47p.m – Wouldn’t it be awesome if candy was like good for you? That would be so crazy.
1:51p.m – I’m hungry again lolz I’m such a fat ass!
1:52p.m – Maybe I would be more popular if I wasn’t such a fat fucking loser. #Upset Don’t call or text.
2:00p.m – I hate when people say you can’t text and drive.
2:03p.m – Like maybe you’re just not smart enough to do it lolz

2:04p.m – Bitches are so stupid lmoaooo Right @IFuckOnTheFirstDate?
2:05p.m – Just totally saw the coolest car EVS! I’m about to TwitPic it!
2:06p.m – Its really hard to send TwitPics when your driving lolz
2:07p.m – http://TwitPic/FatalCarCrashAccident

By the way, Follow Me @TheFrogBlogg

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Author: SpencerHayes

Biting Social Commentary and Satire.

7 thoughts on “The 5 Stages of Twitter”

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  2. Write much more, thats all I need to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point. You clearly know what youre talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just posting videos to your website when you could be giving us something informative to read?

    Like

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