(August 11, 2011 – Ames, IA)… As Republican’s around the nation prepare for the upcoming presidential election, the pool of possible GOP candidates has offered a myriad of diverse options. Most conservatives have given up differentiating the candidates based on political views, opting instead for whoever pisses off the Democrats the most. Predictably, Barack Obama’s unprecedented win in the last election has forced the GOP to field a much different set of candidates than voters are typically accustomed.
While presumed frontrunners such as Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin have fallen out of favor with many voters around the country, one unique candidate has captivated patriots and unified the divisive constituents of the party.
In an astonishing turn of events, early results from the Ames Straw Poll are showing a clear mandate from Iowa voters for an American Flag, who was victorious in the influential preliminary poll which often forecasts the favorite for the Republican nomination.
With skeptics openly wondering if the American Flag has what it takes to lead the party in November, even more critics have questioned why we put so much political influence in the hands of people who live in a meaningless state nobody will ever visit by choice.
Even more surprising than the constituencies support for an inanimate object was the fact that every other Republican candidate dropped out of the race after the results as a symbolic gesture of unity.
“If we want to defeat Barack Obama, we can’t have a party of divisive behavior. While I’m not saying the current president is exactly like Hitler, I will say he has a lot more in common with him than the American Flag. As the party of the people, we’re well aware of the public’s displeasure with politicians who won’t openly pander to their partisan desires, and the American Flag will do just that.”
The American Flag, who has been relatively unknown on a national level, is running on a platform that encourages patriotism and unabashed love for American exceptionalism. Bewildered Democrats, who initially expected a runaway victory for the incumbent president, are now racing to figure out how they can defeat the American Flag without looking like a bunch of commies.
The Democratic National Committee (DNC) issued a statement in response to the straw poll results:
“Look, uhh, I now what you’re all thinking, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I know we spent the last election convincing you an unknown candidate without a second of administrative experience could run the country, but this is completely different because, uhh, well, goddamnit. We’re fucked, aren’t we?”
With the Republican candidate now in place, the real question now is whom the American Flag will select as a running mate. Early reports show the short list of possible Vice Presidential candidates is being headed by Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachman and a Baby Jesus statue used in the White House nativity scene.