Al Gore Regrets Having Foresight to Create Internet

Burbank, CA – August 22  … A press release distributed to the media today from the office of former Non-President Al Gore included a surprising revelation about the politician and activists personal feelings in regards to his role in  funding the eventual creation of what’s now known was the World Wide Web, or, the internet to people who actually use it.

While Gore didn’t deny that the creation of such an elaborate and useful resource has certainly impacted the world and society as a whole for the rest of eternity, his personal qualms stemmed from the complete and total ass raping he takes in right-wing forums and chat rooms on a daily basis.

“Look, these ass hats wouldn’t even be able to talk if I, Al Gore, wasn’t genius enough to pay smarter people to create the internet.  Without the amount of money and gullibility I was able to provide we might have had to wait like 4 or 5 extra years before someone else inevitably created it.”

NRA Announces Online Dating Site

As studies continue to show a rapid development in the increase of online dating websites, idealistic communities catering to a specific demographic are becoming more prominent and the trend will look to continue as the internet continues to find even more obscure manners in which to characterize themselves.

Clearly looking to capitalize on the growing market, the National Rifle Association (NRA) announced today that they too will be unveiling their own online dating site aimed at males and females who love guns, freedom and the most perfect amendment in any Constitution, ever. NRA President “Homicide Joe” weighed in on the new website, which will soon be going live at AimYourPistol.com.

Famous Athlete Accused of Crime He’ll Get Away With Anyway

October 28, 2010 — Chicago, IL … Breaking news out of Chicago has shocked the sports community today as a person really famous for their participation in professional athletics was accused of doing something not considered legal.

The superstar athlete, well known for his super stardom in athletics, has already hired a really expensive lawyer that will do his very best to assure the athlete is not held to the same level of responsibility as an average citizen.

Latest Polls Show Nobody Actually Takes These Polls

Brand new poll numbers came in early Tuesday morning, as the nation eagerly anticipates the end of what has been a tumultuous and seemingly endless election season. In one poll, Obama had a three point lead over Mitt Romney and a 47% lead over everybody else in the world combined.  However, a completely different poll actually had Romney ahead by seven points.  As the numbers continue to pile up, commentators, analysts and the general public struggle to figure out what the fuck this all even means.

While the Presidential Race was unusually close, there were several more polls showing just how divided our nation is on important topics like guns, drugs and what to do with the gays. However, the most surprising poll numbers of the day had to come from an obscure Gallup poll which showed  nobody in the country is actually providing answers to be used as the data for these endless amounts of polls and they’re more than likely just completely made-up.

Baseball Champion Crowned: “Cool, I guess” says Nation.

October 29 – Detroit, MI … The San Francisco Giants are the 2012 World Series Champions and the nation couldn’t be more slightly interested. Maybe like a million people tuned in to watch the Giants defeat some other team in a series where people were definitely pitching and hitting a baseball.

“I saw some of Game 3 while clicking through channels and it looked like the same game I always remembered. Yup, baseball, woo.”

Fans every-somewhere couldn’t believe themselves as the Giants won the World Series in a record time of 32 minutes, shattering the previous record of a week and a half. Fans is also a word used for people who don’t have cable and simply put the game on as background noise while finishing puzzles and speaking to their in-laws.

Barack Obama to Attend Second Debate

(October 9 – Washington, DC)… The political world was abuzz early Tuesday morning when it was announced by the White House that President Barack Hussein Obama will be in attendance for the second Presidential debate next week at Hofstra University.

Romney Poised To Achieve Personal Best in Election

Mitt Romney, the Republican candidate for president in the 2012 Presidential Election spoke with a frenzied crowd at a pep rally early Friday morning.