(February 28, 2012)… Stunning news for a promising political campaign today, as a Presidential Candidate fell just short of victory, and lost a statewide primary by a single vote. After hours of statistical analysis and sociological speculation, the single “non-vote” was traced back to local resident, and registered Republican, Greg Taylor.
Taylor, who “really meant to vote,” just “couldn’t get around” to voting for the Leader of the Free World, on a day filled with hectic errands and unexpected obligations. The local man, who usually stops into vote at his local elementary school during his morning commute, was thrown into a whirlwind of carpooling and early meetings, creating a domino effect that would topple even the most complex of domino setups.
With political critics around the country simply wondering why the man couldn’t have voted after he was done with work, Taylor explained it was “like a really long day” and that “all of the important votes” would have already been cast by the time he got to the booth.
“I figured it was late in the day, the polls had been open for hours, I mean seriously, it’s just one vote. One vote, out of like, a bunch. I assumed, like most people would, that my single vote just wouldn’t make a difference.”
Unfortunately for Taylor, his one vote not only made a difference, but a difference so intense that within hours it had crippled an entire political campaign which once seemed destined for the White House, and will now have to settle for whatever the fuck people who don’t become President do.
Reporters from around the country were eager to speak with the disappointed Politician, who true to political form, showcased no actual emotions and read from a carefully crafted script of cliches in his response to the results.
When asked if one single man’s attempt to avoid a minor inconvenience by just giving up his God-given rights provided to him by countless Americans who struggled through their blood, sweat and tears to grant suffrage for each and every citizen of this incredible nation had any impact on his emotional reaction to the election results, the politician explained that he loved the troops.
When asked if he wished that he could go back in time and speak to the man, and just simply ask him to vote, even if it wasn’t for him, but to just simply vote, the politician explained that he loved freedom.
When asked if he was the local man, and the local man was the politician, would the politician vote for the local man, the politician explained that he hated terrorists.
When asked if the once promising political candidate, who has actually been accused throughout the campaign of “buying votes” due to his extremely high campaign expenses, would have actually liked to have personally bought this particular vote with straight cash, the politician explained that he wished he could just buy every vote.
With the single vote margin, this marks the closest Presidential Primary in United States History, a feat which has turned Mr. Taylor into a viral sensation. Taylor, who is now fielding cable network contracts for a reality show about manipulating civil liberties, is finally being introduced to the real American Dream, which involves being showered with praise, affection and attention for reprehensible and selfish behavior.