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“You wouldn’t have believed it unless you saw it with your own eyes. It was absolutely insane! Every one of these guys just came out shooting, and once they began, it was almost like they couldn’t help but shoot. Literally everyone was letting off shots like their live depended on it. You could almost have called it a mass shooting. I’ve never seen anything like it. Like when Mike shot right in Gary’s face, that’s something that will stay with me forever.”
“It has long been known that violent or erotic films, literature and most of all video games is the basis for countless radicalization of normally sweet young children. How would these children even know that violence or sex exist if they weren’t able to replicate in stunning HD? I think it’s obvious that the cause of this mass shooting, of basketballs, is based on these players experience with the popular NBA simulation game NBA2k13.”
As studies continue to show a rapid development in the increase of online dating websites, idealistic communities catering to a specific demographic are becoming more prominent and the trend will look to continue as the internet continues to find even more obscure manners in which to characterize themselves. Clearly looking to capitalize on the growing market, the National Rifle Association (NRA) announced today that they too will be unveiling their own online dating site aimed at males and females who love guns, freedom and the most perfect amendment in any Constitution, ever. NRA President “Homicide Joe” weighed in on the new website, which will soon be going live at AimYourPistol.com.
“We think this is an obvious decision due to the rapid increase in gun ownership and the popularity of the socialized media and what have you. As responsible citizens we have to prepare ourselves for the worst case scenario. We encourage all of our members to go into their dates locked and loaded and be prepared for anything. The only thing worse than showing up to a fat chick with 4 year old photos is to be unarmed when your date realizes you lied about your PHD. Because everyone knows the only thing that stops a bad person with a gun, is an even crazier person with a gun. Wait, that’s not how it goes.”
In a response to the new Gun related website. BlackPeopleMeet and ChristianMingle have decided to merge, a move that industry insiders say will have little effect because 90% of the user bases are exactly the same. Sources from other popular dating sites like Match.com, OkCupid and BitchYouTrynaFuck.net were quite vocal about their opposition to dating sites catering to small groups of people as opposed to anyone with a vagina.
“We survey people on their 1,000 most relateable and compatible traits. We take the time to make sure we get to know the real you before we even begin the process. We carefully craft each profile so it caters to your exact personality. Than we find the 10 hottest girls within 50 miles of you and show you those.”
Early sponsors for the NRA’s attempt at infiltrating the dating scene include Fox News, Halliburton and Beretta. There was no news on whether or not creating a profile will require a background check.
“Much like you people; as genuine, loving parents, we care for both our children equally. Honest to God, it’s not even a competition, there’s more than enough love to go around. The argument only escalated because I simply hired someone to feed Maxwell grapes while he does his homework?”
“Although we’re not picking favorites, in all honesty, Tucker just isn’t living up to the standard set by Maxwell, who is pretty much better at everything. Especially sex.”
“I’m not saying HE is better, I’m saying his thoughts, actions and aspirations are better. We still love them as people, we just don’t always like that one as much.”