al-gore

Al Gore Regrets Having Foresight to Create Internet

(Burbank, CA – August 22)… A press release distributed to the media today from the office of former Non-President Al Gore included a surprising revelation about the politician and activists personal feelings in regards to his role in  funding the eventual creation of what’s now known was the World Wide Web, or, the internet to people who actually use it.  Continue reading
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Legendary Pick-Up Game Blamed on Video Games

(Brooklyn, NY – May 8th)… Beginning on Friday afternoon and lasting into the wee hours of Saturday morning was the single greatest pick up basketball game ever witnessed by human beings; as 10 local men went head to head in a full court free for all of basketball ballsmanship.
“You wouldn’t have believed it unless you saw it with your own eyes.  It was absolutely insane!  Every one of these guys just came out shooting, and once they began, it was almost like they couldn’t help but shoot.  Literally everyone was letting off shots like their live depended on it.  You could almost have called it a mass shooting.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  Like when Mike shot right in Gary’s face, that’s something that will stay with me forever.”
As with any other mass shooting critics were quick to look for a scapegoat and quickly decided on the negative influence of video games.
A Senator from some state noted:
“It has long been known that violent or erotic films, literature and most of all video games is the basis for countless radicalization of normally sweet young children. How would these children even know that violence or sex exist if they weren’t able to replicate in stunning HD?  I think it’s obvious that the cause of this mass shooting, of basketballs, is based on these players experience with the popular NBA simulation game NBA2k13.”
 
The 2k series of sporting games has quickly made a name for itself in the somewhat depressing world of sports gaming, gaining recent notoriety for their spot-on basketball simulation.  Now, as the public continues to try and grasp the magnitude of what happened on this court in the past 23 hours, there’s open speculation as to whether or not a video game is actually to blame for the actions of living, breathing human beings who would seemingly be capable of distinguishing the differences between reality and a pixelated fantasy world. 
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NRA Announces Online Dating Site

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As studies continue to show a rapid development in the increase of online dating websites, idealistic communities catering to a specific demographic are becoming more prominent and the trend will look to continue as the internet continues to find even more obscure manners in which to characterize themselves. Clearly looking to capitalize on the growing market, the National Rifle Association (NRA) announced today that they too will be unveiling their own online dating site aimed at males and females who love guns, freedom and the most perfect amendment in any Constitution, ever. NRA President “Homicide Joe” weighed in on the new website, which will soon be going live at AimYourPistol.com.

 

“We think this is an obvious decision due to the rapid increase in gun ownership and the popularity of the socialized media and what have you.  As responsible citizens we have to prepare ourselves for the worst case scenario. We encourage all of our members to go into their dates locked and loaded and be prepared for anything.  The only thing worse than showing up to a fat chick with 4 year old photos is to be unarmed when your date realizes you lied about your PHD.  Because everyone knows the only thing that stops a bad person with a gun, is an even crazier person with a gun.  Wait, that’s not how it goes.”

 

In a response to the new Gun related website.  BlackPeopleMeet and ChristianMingle have decided to merge, a move that industry insiders say will have little effect because 90% of the user bases are exactly the same.  Sources from other popular dating sites like Match.com, OkCupid and BitchYouTrynaFuck.net were quite vocal about their opposition to dating sites catering to small groups of people as opposed to anyone with a vagina.

“We survey people on their 1,000 most relateable and compatible traits. We take the time to make sure we get to know the real you before we even begin the process.  We carefully craft each profile so it caters to your exact personality.  Than we find the 10 hottest girls within 50 miles of you and show you those.”

 

Early sponsors for the NRA’s attempt at infiltrating the dating scene include Fox News, Halliburton and Beretta. There was no news on whether or not creating a profile will require a background check. 

 

 

Sibling-Rivalry

Local Parents Aren’t Picking Favorites, But, Can’t You Be More Like Your Brother?

(San Diego, CA – May 7)…  Local parents John and Samantha Bernstein love their son Tucker a whole bunch,even going as far to occasionally use “up to the sky” as a level of measurement.  The exemplary parents consistently shower him with admiration and provide everything you could ask for in a loving family.  
However, tragedy struck this local family after their eldest son realized he was being treated significantly worse than his younger sibling.  Along with jealousy engulfing him as he watched his parents buy the little shit his own car, the real deal breaker was when Tucker realized his little brother Maxwell was actually utilizing this parental advantage to bang more hoes than him. 
 
Tucker, who is now on the fourth consecutive day of giving Maxwell the “silent treatment,” (Or, the cold shoulder for my non-white readers) got into a heated argument with his brother that was loud enough to warrant a call to the police from a neighbor with nothing better to do. 
 
The Bernstein family remained suspiciously calm when speaking to the authorities as well as the media:
 
“Much like you people; as genuine, loving parents, we care for both our children equally.  Honest to God, it’s not even a competition, there’s more than enough love to go around.  The argument only escalated because I simply hired someone to feed Maxwell grapes while he does his homework?”
Later adding:
“Although we’re not picking favorites, in all honesty, Tucker just isn’t living up to the standard set by Maxwell, who is pretty much better at everything.  Especially sex.”
Parents around the country were quick to weigh in on the controversial parenting episode taking place in California. Many Texan parents were quick to applaud the Bernstein’s, saying Tucker should simply work harder and he could reach the same potential as Maxwell regardless of the system created with the intention of providing social or economic equality.    
 
“I’m not saying HE is better, I’m saying his thoughts, actions and aspirations are better.  We still love them as people, we just don’t always like that one as much.”
The Bernstein family is now trying to block out the media attention their family is getting, but, they’ve ensured the public that their parenting practices will not be altered and will continue to passive aggressively urge their son Tucker to change who he is as a human being.
 
While many areas of the country were vocal about the topic, the most notable commentary, without a doubt, came from families in the city of Detroit who were confused by the entire concept of treating their children well.